Face the Alienation June 6, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: a public service, alienation, american politics, anger management and McCain, barack hussein obama, bill clinton, blowjobs, democratic party, earthlings, election 2008, electoral process, face the alienation, face the nation, fart, farts, fellatio, flatulence, gay sex obama and osama, here's johnny, hillary clinton, holy scripture, humble zontar, hussein, i am famous, illegal alien, illegal immigrant, iraq, jeremiah wright, john McCain, living in america, many subscribers, McCain, McCain farting, McCain has bad temper, McCain is flatulent, McCain is unstable, monica lewinsky, obama, obama loves osama, obama terrorist sympathizer, osama bin laden, outerspace, politics, presidential election, primary process, problem with bowels, republican party, secret photos of obama, shame on you!, super delegates, the clintons, top secret obama, war, zontar, zontar for president
24 comments
Greetings, Earthlings!
Due to his unfortunate status as an illegal alien, Zontar is denied the privilege of voting. It has been particularly painful due to the most amusing primary process the “United States” has been enjoying as of late. However, just because Zontar cannot vote himself does not mean that he cannot greatly influence the electoral process.
Zontar has untold millions of loyal followers who hang on to his every word as if it were holy scripture. Zontar’s blog has so many subscribers that this pitiful server cannot show the exact numbers. Zontar has more influence and power than all the “super delegates” put together.
Therefore, as a public service Zontar will succinctly analyze this current election. Read, Learn, Obey!
First, as far as the Republican party is concerned Zontar is most concerned over the selection of Mr. McCain. In Zontar’s eyes Mr. McCain is a bit too enthusiastic over the unfortunate conflict in Iraq, plus he has a certain reputation as being a trifle unstable.
On the Democratic side, voters were given the golden opportunity to elect the redoubtable spouse of the recipient of the most famous act of fellatio in the history of mankind.
The voters unfortunately rejected Madame Clinton and they will forever regret it.
The most disturbing aspect of this current election season is the selection of Barack HUSSEIN Obama as the Democratic nominee.
Zontar has obtained some photos which the Obama camp does not want you to see. One can understand why. If you were Obama would you want the electorate to see you in your undisguised state?
It is also quite understandable why Mr. Obama and his advisers tried to play down his association with the ever amusing Jeremiah Wright and one of Obama’s oldest friends:
That is right, my fellow seekers of truth on life’s highway. Obama’s dearest friend, his childhood playmate, his roommate at Harvard, is the most monstrous terrorist in the history of mankind. Should we hand over the office of the president of the United States to someone who was most likely in on the planning of 9/11? I think not! Instead he should be sent forthwith to the torture chambers of Guantanamo Bay and be forced to divulge the shameful truth!
The alternate of Mr. McCain being elected as the leader of the free world is not acceptable. Zontar, through his gift of second sight has a vision of McCain being awakened at 3 a.m. and unleashing nuclear warheads into the atmosphere for no good reason other than being in a sour mood from losing his sleep. Old folks do get moody!
Also would you want your president to have no more control of his bowels than this?
If Zontar could run he would, but the fascistic constitution forbids an illegal alien from a different galaxy from becoming president.
But fear not, no matter the outcome this November, Zontar will be there to provide you with his insights and wisdom.
Hail to the Chief!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar on the Run June 3, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: activism, aliens, aliens only toilet, aliens treated badly in america, an alien in america, arkansas mafia, atb, being a xenonian, being an alien, being watched, being watchful, bigotry, canadians, cia, clinton mafia, danger, danger ahead, danger meter, dea, earthlings, employment office, false id card, false indentification car, farting, farts, fbi, fecal matter, feeling persecuted, flatulence, gaseous emissions, hate, hatred of aliens, help zontar, homeland security, illegal aliens, illegal aliens are human beings too, illegal aliens here, illegal immigration, ins, insulting, leave illegal aliens alone, mental illness, mexicans, no jobs for aliens, omnipotence, on high alert, organize a protest march, outerspace, paranoia, persecution, please help aliens, politics, prejudice, prejudice against aliens, protest march, racism, racism and aliens, resident alien, say no to illegal aliens, teddy bears, teddy bears against illegal aliens, the black market, they're coming to get me, toilets, worried about being deported, write your congressman, xenon, xenonian, xenophobia, zontar, zontar is in danger
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Zontar is writing today in hiding. Why, you may ask is Zontar, the omnipotent arbiter of the fate of the entire universe, the greatest mind which exists currently and for all time, cowering in some miserable hovel like a craven coward?
It is, dearest minion, because they are coming to get me! Who is they, one may ask? Is it the CIA, Homeland Security, INS, DEA, ATB, FBI, the Arkansas mafia? Zontar knoweth not with any certainty. What Zontar does know with absolute certainty is that he is in danger. Among other preternatural gifts he possesses is a danger meter which is embedded in his brain. Any time Zontar is in danger this meter is activated causing him to be on high alert.
Rest assured. Zontar is no pusillanimous poltroon. If it were just himself he had to be watchful for Zontar would not care if some thug tried to topple his omnipotence. But I have more than myself to worry about. I am worried about you my faithful reader. If Zontar were to be captured then who would enlighten you? You would be forced to live your life in squalid and abject ignorance. You rely on Zontar to open your small minds to the wisdom and truth which he gives to you.
What offense has Zontar committed to merit this persecution? It is not anything Zontar has done. Zontar has never broken any law! Zontar is only guilty of one thing: being a Xenonian. It is America’s dirty little secret. In this enlightened age, all forms of racism are looked down upon except for one: being an alien. Aliens are treated like so much fecal matter in your so called “United States”. Even Mexicans and Canadians are treated with more respect.
We cannot find jobs, housing, obtain sustenance all because of being born outside of this galaxy. This Xenonphobia must be stopped now!
Zontar has tried for years to become legal in your country, but the authorities will not allow it. Only 1 alien is allowed in every 25 years. Zontar became so desperate he obtained a false identification card on the black market.
Everywhere one looks you can see the evidence of this hatred of aliens. Even something as innocent as a child’s toy is not exempt from the hatred.
When Zontar tries to get a job he is greeted with this sign in the employment office.
The most humiliating incident yet occurred yesterday. Zontar was out jogging when he heard the tell tale gaseous emissions which warn him that he must hurry as Zontar’s fecal matter is ready to emerge. Zontar went to the nearest restroom and was greeted with this:
Upon entering the Aliens Only toilet I saw the final insult.
Aliens are treated worse than the maggots which feed on the flies which alight upon feces.
Not a pretty thing, is it Earthling? Neither is the plight of the illegal alien. Zontar urges you to fight against it in any way you can. Write your congressman, organize a protest march. Anything you can think of to help us, please do so.
If Zontar is discovered, he will be deported back to Xenon where he will be immediately executed. Do you want Zontar’s blood on your hands?
Hail Illegal Aliens!
Hail Zontar!!
Bush: A Flatulent Mind May 29, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Political Farts.Tags: born again christian, born born with only half a brain, brainless child, brains, bush, bush farts a lot, bush has spunk, bush is flatulent, bush is simpleton, bush is the greatest president ever, bush quotes, bush's brain, bush's discharges, carbon emissions, cerebellum, christians, earthlings, fart, farting, farts, flatulent emissions, flatulent mind, gaseous episode, george bush a noble man, government, hail zontar, i speak the truth, iraq, is our children learning, mental handicap, mentally retarded, mindless cretins, mr bush, passing gas, politics, prank, presidency of bush, president, purging, purging emissions, rectums, retarded, retarded bush, retarded president, smelly farts, society's prejudice, supreme being, supreme mind, temporal lobe, the average american, united states, willful child, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, the beneficent scribe of all that is true and just, described recently a virulent attack of multiple hemorrhoids. I am happy to announce that Zontar has recovered fully from said affliction, and he wishes to thank the many well-wishers who urged him to regain his good health and be returned back to all so he may spread his kindness, deep intelligence and insights. Thank you loyal minions! While in his sick bed of agony to which he was sentenced, Zontar was overcome by many flatulent emissions. The smell reminded him of his beloved home of Xenon, where the atmosphere is redolent of farts. This nostalgic reverie prompted your beloved Zontar to muse on a variety of subjects. Zontar confesses that his most brilliant insights are derived during the act of purging emissions from his multiple rectums.
During Zontar’s most recent gaseous episode Zontar, who was watching your Earthly television, saw on a broadcast of recent events (your so-called “news”) an image of the president of your so-called “United States”. Zontar was struck by an insight and, as Zontar is in a most benevolent mood given the many get well cards he received, decided to reveal a Truth which is sorely in need of divulging. That is that Mr. Bush is the greatest president who has ever had the privilege of residing in the White House!
Pshaw, the average American may interject at this point. “Zontar! Have you lost your brilliant, multifaceted and supreme mind?! Dubya is the greatest president?! The moron who got us into that ridiculous Iraqi war for absolutely no valid reason whatsoever? That idiot that can’t string a sentence together without making at least 12 grammatical errors?! Zontar I am so disappointed in you! Shame! Double Shame!!”.
Zontar can understand such a reaction, due to the fact that Zontar is above such pettiness. Just because some inferior being mocks Zontar, Zontar is very mature and understands that they cannot begin to comprehend to understand the depth of intelligence of such a superior mind as Zontar possesses. Zontar will try to explain to you, beloved reader, owner of an inferior Earthling brain, the logic behind Zontar’s assertion.
Zontar can vouchsafe why some people would mock his opinion. In pure Earthly terms, Mr. Bush does come across as somewhat slow. Observe him in action:
While Zontar does applaud Mr. Bush’s spirited discharges, Zontar does admit to Mr. Bush not always appearing “presidential” at all times.
Also, observe some of the utterances which spring forth from Mr. Bush seem not as erudite as they could be:
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.” —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6
“They misunderestimated me.” —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
Zontar does not make rash judgments. Just because someone comes across as an abject simpleton and fool doesn’t mean anything. Zontar looks at the big picture, cogitates, observes some more, then comes up with Absolute Truth. Zontar will now share the aforementioned Truth to you, unworthy mortal!
Mr. Bush, even though he had the supposed advantage of being born into a very wealthy and powerful family, had many strikes against him from the beginning. Zontar, who has many friends and contacts, has discovered the heartbreaking truth which Mr. Bush has fought against all his life: he was born with only half a brain. To be precise he possesses only a cerebellum and only a fraction of his temporal lobe. All the rest of his brain is absent. What this means in layman’s terms is that it is physically impossible for him to reason, use logic, make decisions on his own or speak without embarrassing himself. To demonstrate proof, Zontar has obtained a copy of Mr. Bush’s latest MRI which shows the unfortunate condition of what can only be mercifully described as a brain:
Zontar was aghast and sore amazed at his findings! It then dawned upon Zontar what a supremely noble man George W. Bush is! He had much more to contend with in his life with than something as mundane as being born in a log cabin. Normally, such children as George would have been put into a home and then forgotten by their families. They would live a meaningless existence, their only activities comprised of staring blankly into space, expunging their bowels and bladders, and drooling incessantly. George would have none of it.
He lifted himself out of the pit the brainless normally wallow in and fought against society’s prejudices against mindless cretins. Through an amazing serendipitous string of luck he became the President of the United States. That is why Zontar thinks Mr. Bush is a very great man. He’s got spunk!
But Zontar can dismiss the Iraq affair as the prank of a naughty, willful and brainless child. What frightens Zontar is that there are people who believe that this Iraqi war is totally justifiable and winnable. At least Mr. Bush has an excuse for this opinion.
Hail All Wise and Knowing Esteemed Leader of the Free Word!
Hail Zontar!!
Gaseous Emissions and Arrogance May 26, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farting Contests, Political Farts.Tags: arrogance, barack hussein obama, barak obama, bill clinton, candidates, clinton, conspiracy to assasinate obama, definition of arrogance, different kinds of farts, digestive tract, earthlings, egomaniac, election 2008, fart, fart session, farting, farting competition, farting contest, farting match, flatulence, gaseous emissions, glabrob, hillary clinton, hillary farting, hillary makes weak farts, hillary vs obama, hillary wants obama killed, hubris, humility, is obama arrogant, melodious emissions, mud-slinging, obama, obama assasination, obama farting, obama farts better than hillary, obama has confidence, obama is arrogant, obama is superior, obama the better farter, plan to assasinate obama, political rhetoric, politics, presidential debate, presidential election, slick willie, superiority complex, the clintons, the sin of arrogance, variety of farts, videos, voice of reason, xenonian, xenonian fart session, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings Earthlings!
Your impartial Xenonian observer of your political process was engaged in his (typical) tireless search for Truth today, mulling over the vicious race between Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama when his breakfast came back to haunt him. Glabrob, while yummy, has an unfortunate effect on ones digestive tract. Zontar happily had his tape recorder running to capture the results of his gassy morning and he thought he would like to share:
Zontar was justifiably proud and wanted to share with Earth the sounds of a true Xenonian fart session. Then Zontar pondered: “Zontar!”, I asked myself, “Wouldn’t your boasts about your flatulence be misconstrued as arrogance”? Zontar was deeply troubled. To calibrate his brilliant mind, he went back to the beginning and double checked the meaning of the word “arrogance”. English is Zontar’s 632,333,232 language, and he wanted to be sure of himself. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/arrogance
arrogance
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\
- Function:
- noun
- Date:
- 14th century
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
Zontar read carefully into this definition. Was Zontar arrogant? Do not mistake Zontar for an egomaniac! He will readily admit to any flaws in his character. Just because he hasn’t found any yet doesn’t mean that they may not exist. However, I honestly can say my pride in my melodious emissions was not hubris but justifiable. I merely wanted to share with the rest of Earth. That case is closed!
Then it dawned on Zontar that of late, Mr. Obama has been pilloried in the press and on the sphere of blogdom for the sin of Arrogance. Comparing candidates, Zontar must admit that Mr. Obama does have an “attitude of superiority”. He is superior. His intelligence is several notches above Mrs. Clinton’s. If she had an ounce of sense she would have never uttered her fervent wish for an unfortunate accident to occur to Mr. Obama in June. Zontar knew for many months prior of her wish. (Zontar having the preternatural gift of mind reading). To be entirely fair, it is not her fault. All of her major strategies and utterances have come from her husband, William. Zontar always mistrusted this man, and with good reasons. Zontar has uncovered a candid photo of him just after awakening and before he had a chance to ready himself for the day.
It occurred to Zontar that it is unfair to judge Mrs. Clinton’s intelligence, or lack thereof on her alone, as she has surrendered her will and soul completely to the machinations of William. But vilifying Mr. Obama as being arrogant seems most unfair, simply because he happens to have a brain and a mind of his own. Zontar, frankly has tired of the mud-slinging and endless rhetoric of this campaign. It has gone on entirely too long and Zontar is now bored. Then a brainstorm hit Zontar while expunging his Glabrob upon the commode: Let’s settle the election here and now. I present to you Madame Clinton and Mr. Obama in a truly meaningful debate. I urge you to watch both videos so you can make an informed decision:
Now observe Mr. Obama in action:
It is patently obvious Mr. Obama is the winner. His fart was bold and confident. He made no apologies for it. Whereas Mrs. Clinton was ashamed. It was a weak emission. She tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. But her audience knew, and now you, my loyal minions know as well.
Paid for by the Zontar for Supreme Being of All Universe Committee. Zontar has approved this message.
Hail Loyal Minions!
Hail Truth!!
Hail Zontar!!!
Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts.Tags: 1776, allies, america, americans, americans unaware of anti-americanism, anti-americanism, anti-americans, arrogance, assistance during wwii, britain, britain and the united states, british, british farts, brits, cooperation, coup de gras, dead cockroaches, defeat, digestive problems, earthlings, education, england a third rate power, england is bankrupt, english bread, english farts, english food, europe, europeans, fart, farting, farting in the uk, farts, flatulence, food in england sucks, franklin roosevelt, gas, gas mask, gastric distress, gastrointestinal, german yeast, historical references, history, hitler, hitler farted a lot, hitler was flatulent, humans, humiliation, hypocrisy, insights, intestinal gas, karl marx, large farts, learning, lend lease act, malodorous, musings, napoleon complex, nausea, north vietnam, overconfidence, politics, rectum, research, revolutionary war, roosevelt, rubbing salt into the wound, short man syndrome, small penis syndrome, smelly farts, spaceship, stench, stomach upset, the defeat of england, the digestive system, the english defeat, the uk, the vindictive british, typical english breakfast, united states, victuals, vietnam war, vomiting, war, war of 1812, why britons hate america, why people hate america, why the british hate america, why the english hate america, winston churchill, wwii, zontar
3 comments
Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.
Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.
It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.
There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.
The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).
Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.
The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.
Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.
Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…
‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.
Here are some examples of English delicacies.
Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.
The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.
Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.
Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.
Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”
Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.
Zontar salutes all!
Hail Wisdom!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 