Zontar Shall Overcome June 13, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts.Tags: aclu, aclu et al, activism, adult toy store, adult toys, alabama, alabama law, alabama prohibits sex toys, alabama state patrol, alien in jail, alien tickler, aliens, altruism, american slang, anal sex, ass bitch, behind bars, brilliance, bubba, bubba farting, celebre, come a lot, comealot, cum a lot, dildos, disgusting farts, dispair, earthlings, fart, farting, farting in prison, farting while sleeping, farts, flatulence, gas, greenpeace, hail zontar, handcuffs, heart of dixie, human lust, incarcerated, jail, king arthur, manly beauty, masturbating, masturbation, masturbation illegal in alabama, naacp, no dildos in alabama, orgasams, orgasmic rights for all, orgasmo, OrificeMax, outer space, penal institute, peta, post traumatic stress disorder, prison, prison bubba, prison farts, prison food, ptsd, sex, sex toy shop, sex toys, southern belles, southern bells, sugar alien daddy, terror, texas, tickler, trafficking dildos in texas, vibrators, wisdom, zontar, zontar in jail, zontar on a mission
6 comments
Greetings, Earthlings!
With his pen weighing heavily in his superbly shaped, manly yet delicate hand, Zontar has very bad news to impart. Zontar may have to cease his blog forthwith to circumstances beyond his control. The shocking truth is Zontar is in prison. “What!? I hear you asking in your trembling, incredulous voice. “What is Zontar, the sweetest, most amenable alien to ever walk the face of Earth doing in jail? Oh no Zontar! This can’t be happening!! And to lose your magnificent blog which changed my life with its incredible wisdom and brilliance! I shall kill myself rather than live in a world that doesn’t include my daily dose of Zontar!!”
Dearest minion, Zontar is very touched by your concern for his well being. Fear not, because Zontar is very resilient. He will do everything possible to continue his brilliance from behind prison bars. He has connections and even this very entry has been smuggled out. I will endure all torture and humiliation to continue my mission.
I also urge you not to worry about Zontar’s safety. Zontar has become very good friends with a most delightful and witty companion by the name of Bubba.
Bubba has promised to be my protector in this very savage and brutal place, and all he asks in return is that I become his “ass bitch”. Zontar, being from a distant galaxy and not totally versed in the intricacies of American slang, was not sure exactly what he meant, but Zontar assumes it must be a very good thing. Zontar was flattered.
How did the magnificent Zontar, paragon of manly beauty, the sine qua non of brilliance, wind up in a prison?
Zontar went to the great state of Alabama as to open an adult toy store. “Why, oh mighty Zontar, would you voluntary go to one of the cultural meccas of western civilization to open a sleaze shop shop which caters to the basest of venal human lusts?” Zontar did this to make a stand. He heard about the Alabama law which prohibits the sale of the delightful Earth toy called “dildos”. The punishment for such an infraction is stiff (no pun intended): One year in jail and a ten thousand dollar fine. Zontar thought if he were to be arrested for this, his would be a cause celebre. Millions of outraged Americans would be protesting this unjust law and the ACLU, the NAACP, PETA and Greenpeace would all converge upon the court and demand that this ridiculous statute be repealed.
So Zontar went to the Heart of Dixie and opened a delightful little shop he called “OrificeMax”. My most favored stock included the “Orgasmo”,
the “Alien Tickler”
and the ever popular “Comealot”, based on the legend of King Arthur.
For the few brief hours Zontar’s emporium was opened, he had several comely southern belles come in and eye my wondrous inventory. The look in their eyes was one of delight, but also of fear. They dared not purchase one of my magic implements lest they be hauled away to the penal institute (again, no pun is intended.) But they all lurked away back to their dreary little lives, having to rely on the questionable prowess of their menfolk to satisfy their natural desires.
It was not long before the jackbooted thugs of the Alabama State Patrol raided my shop, locked me in handcuffs and put me in jail. While incarcerated those first few nights I was waiting for the ACLU et al to come to my rescue. Alas, there was no knight in shining armor to come to my rescue. I was summarily brought to trial, found guilty and sentenced to prison, which is where I sit now writing to you at great risk. It is night, with no sound except the disgusting farts emanating out of Bubba while he sleeps the sleep of the scum. There is no worse smell in creation than a prison fart. It is a putrid mixture of the hideous prison food, mixed with terror and despair.
Lest you think Alabama is alone in its enlightenment, my cousins Coitus and Fecus both served hard time for trafficking in dildos in Texas. Here’s a photo of them while incarcerated.
Happily both are out of prison now, but are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I fear they shall never be the same.
This is the dark night of Zontar’s soul. I await the response of you, loyal and devoted reader to rescue your Zontar.
Zontar is most worried about his beloved 23,222,432 wife Uvula, who is sitting at home alone, waiting for her sugar alien daddy to come back to her.
My heart truly breaks for her and for you my minions. Zontar is strong. Zontar is asking you to be strong as well.
Hail Altruistic Fighter for Orgasmic Rights for All!
Hail Zontar!!
Face the Alienation June 6, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: a public service, alienation, american politics, anger management and McCain, barack hussein obama, bill clinton, blowjobs, democratic party, earthlings, election 2008, electoral process, face the alienation, face the nation, fart, farts, fellatio, flatulence, gay sex obama and osama, here's johnny, hillary clinton, holy scripture, humble zontar, hussein, i am famous, illegal alien, illegal immigrant, iraq, jeremiah wright, john McCain, living in america, many subscribers, McCain, McCain farting, McCain has bad temper, McCain is flatulent, McCain is unstable, monica lewinsky, obama, obama loves osama, obama terrorist sympathizer, osama bin laden, outerspace, politics, presidential election, primary process, problem with bowels, republican party, secret photos of obama, shame on you!, super delegates, the clintons, top secret obama, war, zontar, zontar for president
24 comments
Greetings, Earthlings!
Due to his unfortunate status as an illegal alien, Zontar is denied the privilege of voting. It has been particularly painful due to the most amusing primary process the “United States” has been enjoying as of late. However, just because Zontar cannot vote himself does not mean that he cannot greatly influence the electoral process.
Zontar has untold millions of loyal followers who hang on to his every word as if it were holy scripture. Zontar’s blog has so many subscribers that this pitiful server cannot show the exact numbers. Zontar has more influence and power than all the “super delegates” put together.
Therefore, as a public service Zontar will succinctly analyze this current election. Read, Learn, Obey!
First, as far as the Republican party is concerned Zontar is most concerned over the selection of Mr. McCain. In Zontar’s eyes Mr. McCain is a bit too enthusiastic over the unfortunate conflict in Iraq, plus he has a certain reputation as being a trifle unstable.
On the Democratic side, voters were given the golden opportunity to elect the redoubtable spouse of the recipient of the most famous act of fellatio in the history of mankind.
The voters unfortunately rejected Madame Clinton and they will forever regret it.
The most disturbing aspect of this current election season is the selection of Barack HUSSEIN Obama as the Democratic nominee.
Zontar has obtained some photos which the Obama camp does not want you to see. One can understand why. If you were Obama would you want the electorate to see you in your undisguised state?
It is also quite understandable why Mr. Obama and his advisers tried to play down his association with the ever amusing Jeremiah Wright and one of Obama’s oldest friends:
That is right, my fellow seekers of truth on life’s highway. Obama’s dearest friend, his childhood playmate, his roommate at Harvard, is the most monstrous terrorist in the history of mankind. Should we hand over the office of the president of the United States to someone who was most likely in on the planning of 9/11? I think not! Instead he should be sent forthwith to the torture chambers of Guantanamo Bay and be forced to divulge the shameful truth!
The alternate of Mr. McCain being elected as the leader of the free world is not acceptable. Zontar, through his gift of second sight has a vision of McCain being awakened at 3 a.m. and unleashing nuclear warheads into the atmosphere for no good reason other than being in a sour mood from losing his sleep. Old folks do get moody!
Also would you want your president to have no more control of his bowels than this?
If Zontar could run he would, but the fascistic constitution forbids an illegal alien from a different galaxy from becoming president.
But fear not, no matter the outcome this November, Zontar will be there to provide you with his insights and wisdom.
Hail to the Chief!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar’s Got Mail! June 4, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: aboot, alien, american obsession with celebrities, angry americans, angry brits, angry canadians, angry mexicans, bad aliens, beef jerky, blog hits, blogging, blogosphere, blogs, blogsphere, boobs, british football hooligans, britons, brits, canada, canadian food, canadians, celebrities, churchill, cleavage, controversial topics, controversy, desperate attempts for attention, dissenting opinions, earthlings, eh, england bankrupt after wwii, everybody loves zontar, everyone loves me, everyone loves zontar, feedback, great white north, hate mail, hit counter, hockey, humble, humility, i am a genious, illegal immigration, james hagee, journalism, lancashire, letters to the editor, lost souls, masturbation, millions of hits per hour, molson golden, montreal, pamela anderson, paris hilton, pedro lopez, pseudo-celebrities, readership, revolutionary war, semen, stereotypes, uk, why canadians hate americans, wwii, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Ever since starting his blog, Zontar was blessed with a huge audience. My first entry gave me, at last count, over 120,239 hits and my readership has increased proportionately to the point where now I average several million hits an hour.
Zontar is well pleased. He is grateful that he is able to edify and entertain such a huge and diverse audience of those who thirst for Zontar’s brilliant wisdom.
If Zontar were to publish all of the e-mail from the grateful masses whose miserable lives he has changed from his perspicacious and profound insights, he would break the bandwidth of this server. It may appear that Zontar is a braggart. We all know this is not the case. Zontar doesn’t need to wallow in the idolatry of the responses he has received. It is enough to know that he could help the many unfortunates out in the blogosphere whose souls have been thirsting for his genius.
Unfortunately, there are a few brainless cretins who just don’t understand Zontar’s incredible intelligence, and Zontar has paid the price by a slew of hate mail from these dolts. In the interest of fair play, Zontar has decided to publish some of the hateful missives he receives from these lost souls who have taken offense by something Zontar may have said.
Zontar here presents some of his hate mail. He does it not to expose the unmitigated idiocy of those foolish enough to disagree with him, but to give a full and balanced view of his entire readership. After all, they may have valid points, and Zontar is big enough to take it without resorting to mocking them.
The first response I will present comes from Adam, a football hooligan by trade who hails from Lancashire, United Kingdom who took offense from some comments from my hard-hitting expose of Anglo-American relations, farting and really bad English food.
u fuckin arsehole! The enlish kicked yer fuckin arses in revolution war.we just didnt want u no more. roosevelt was a nancyboy anyway and he DID want to bankerupt england. it was him who had the stinking farts not churchill and english food is better than other food in world.you never even been to uk u fuckin idiot.u do com here ill kick ur fuckin alien arse back to wherevr the fuckin shithole place u com from.
Adam, I was most delighted to hear from you. Your points are well taken. Let’s agree to disagree. Cheers!
Our next post comes from a celebrity of sorts, the very most reverend and holy James Hagee.
I was most flattered to know that such an important and august man of the cloth would take the time to respond to a lowly alien regarding his masterpiece about America’s love affair with celebrities.
If you had a soul you would be going straight to hell to burn in the everlasting pain and torment of the damned! How dare you encourage the weak minded to search for salacious and provocative pictures which aids them in the grave sin of masturbation. With each squirt of semen which comes from their erect penis, so hard, so purple, so manly , it is that much longer those poor souls are condemned to the fiery pit! Showing the protruding bosoms of whores such as Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton is luring the unrighteous straight to Gehenna! Shame on you Alien! Shame!!
My dear Reverend Hagee, Zontar humbly apologizes for the sin you have condemned him of. He hereby promises he will never show enticing photos of these pseudo celebrities such as Paris Hilton
and Pamela Anderson.
My intent was solely to point out the despicable lengths American journalists will stoop to soley for wider circulation. They know that their magazines will sell much better if they include photos of the the cleavage of the above lost souls. Zontar humbly apologizes and hopes you will forgive him. Zontar meant no harm!
Zontar’s ground breaking entry which discussed many controversial topics such as illegal immigration was the inspiration for this reply from Pedro Lopez of Pomona, California.
Hey alien, you stupid or something? America stole Mexico from us so we take back whats ours. You trying to take our jobs away from us or something? I could be supreme thinker or whatever just as good as you you piece of shit.
Pedro, my innocent! I loved your reply! You do have a point, an idiotic one, but a point. Feel free to write me back any time.
Lastly, Zontar was most surprised to get a negative response to his entertaining and delightful post detailing a day in the life of your faithful scribe. Of all the unlikely sources for this negative comments was from a Canadian of all people, John from Montreal.
I must protest the way you present Canada, my beloved country, in such a negative light. I find your use of cliches such as “maple syrup”, “hockey”, “poutine” and “excessive beer consumption” paints an entire nation as moronic and strikes me as deeply offensive. Blog entries such as this are the reason why some Canadians hate Americans.
John, I do most humbly apologize to you. I can assure you that Zontar holds only the deepest respect and love for his neighbours to the north (see, I inserted a u for friendship). I would never make fun of Canada or Canadians: Zontar has too high a regard for them. To show you that Zontar did not mean to reinforce cliches about the Great White North, Zontar would like to buy you a Molsons, treat you to some beef jerky then go to your hoose and watch some Canadians beat America’s ass in hockey. That will show you what Zontar is all aboot. No hard feelings, eh?
Zontar has been pleased to present the dissenting opinions of the few pea-brained amobeas who have disagreed with him. If you wish to contact me, you can e-mail me directly at
zontar@thosewhodisagreewithmewillbemockedandpubliclyhumiliated.com
Hail Free and Open Exchange of Ideas!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar on the Run June 3, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: activism, aliens, aliens only toilet, aliens treated badly in america, an alien in america, arkansas mafia, atb, being a xenonian, being an alien, being watched, being watchful, bigotry, canadians, cia, clinton mafia, danger, danger ahead, danger meter, dea, earthlings, employment office, false id card, false indentification car, farting, farts, fbi, fecal matter, feeling persecuted, flatulence, gaseous emissions, hate, hatred of aliens, help zontar, homeland security, illegal aliens, illegal aliens are human beings too, illegal aliens here, illegal immigration, ins, insulting, leave illegal aliens alone, mental illness, mexicans, no jobs for aliens, omnipotence, on high alert, organize a protest march, outerspace, paranoia, persecution, please help aliens, politics, prejudice, prejudice against aliens, protest march, racism, racism and aliens, resident alien, say no to illegal aliens, teddy bears, teddy bears against illegal aliens, the black market, they're coming to get me, toilets, worried about being deported, write your congressman, xenon, xenonian, xenophobia, zontar, zontar is in danger
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Zontar is writing today in hiding. Why, you may ask is Zontar, the omnipotent arbiter of the fate of the entire universe, the greatest mind which exists currently and for all time, cowering in some miserable hovel like a craven coward?
It is, dearest minion, because they are coming to get me! Who is they, one may ask? Is it the CIA, Homeland Security, INS, DEA, ATB, FBI, the Arkansas mafia? Zontar knoweth not with any certainty. What Zontar does know with absolute certainty is that he is in danger. Among other preternatural gifts he possesses is a danger meter which is embedded in his brain. Any time Zontar is in danger this meter is activated causing him to be on high alert.
Rest assured. Zontar is no pusillanimous poltroon. If it were just himself he had to be watchful for Zontar would not care if some thug tried to topple his omnipotence. But I have more than myself to worry about. I am worried about you my faithful reader. If Zontar were to be captured then who would enlighten you? You would be forced to live your life in squalid and abject ignorance. You rely on Zontar to open your small minds to the wisdom and truth which he gives to you.
What offense has Zontar committed to merit this persecution? It is not anything Zontar has done. Zontar has never broken any law! Zontar is only guilty of one thing: being a Xenonian. It is America’s dirty little secret. In this enlightened age, all forms of racism are looked down upon except for one: being an alien. Aliens are treated like so much fecal matter in your so called “United States”. Even Mexicans and Canadians are treated with more respect.
We cannot find jobs, housing, obtain sustenance all because of being born outside of this galaxy. This Xenonphobia must be stopped now!
Zontar has tried for years to become legal in your country, but the authorities will not allow it. Only 1 alien is allowed in every 25 years. Zontar became so desperate he obtained a false identification card on the black market.
Everywhere one looks you can see the evidence of this hatred of aliens. Even something as innocent as a child’s toy is not exempt from the hatred.
When Zontar tries to get a job he is greeted with this sign in the employment office.
The most humiliating incident yet occurred yesterday. Zontar was out jogging when he heard the tell tale gaseous emissions which warn him that he must hurry as Zontar’s fecal matter is ready to emerge. Zontar went to the nearest restroom and was greeted with this:
Upon entering the Aliens Only toilet I saw the final insult.
Aliens are treated worse than the maggots which feed on the flies which alight upon feces.
Not a pretty thing, is it Earthling? Neither is the plight of the illegal alien. Zontar urges you to fight against it in any way you can. Write your congressman, organize a protest march. Anything you can think of to help us, please do so.
If Zontar is discovered, he will be deported back to Xenon where he will be immediately executed. Do you want Zontar’s blood on your hands?
Hail Illegal Aliens!
Hail Zontar!!
Gaseous Emissions and Arrogance May 26, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farting Contests, Political Farts.Tags: arrogance, barack hussein obama, barak obama, bill clinton, candidates, clinton, conspiracy to assasinate obama, definition of arrogance, different kinds of farts, digestive tract, earthlings, egomaniac, election 2008, fart, fart session, farting, farting competition, farting contest, farting match, flatulence, gaseous emissions, glabrob, hillary clinton, hillary farting, hillary makes weak farts, hillary vs obama, hillary wants obama killed, hubris, humility, is obama arrogant, melodious emissions, mud-slinging, obama, obama assasination, obama farting, obama farts better than hillary, obama has confidence, obama is arrogant, obama is superior, obama the better farter, plan to assasinate obama, political rhetoric, politics, presidential debate, presidential election, slick willie, superiority complex, the clintons, the sin of arrogance, variety of farts, videos, voice of reason, xenonian, xenonian fart session, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings Earthlings!
Your impartial Xenonian observer of your political process was engaged in his (typical) tireless search for Truth today, mulling over the vicious race between Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama when his breakfast came back to haunt him. Glabrob, while yummy, has an unfortunate effect on ones digestive tract. Zontar happily had his tape recorder running to capture the results of his gassy morning and he thought he would like to share:
Zontar was justifiably proud and wanted to share with Earth the sounds of a true Xenonian fart session. Then Zontar pondered: “Zontar!”, I asked myself, “Wouldn’t your boasts about your flatulence be misconstrued as arrogance”? Zontar was deeply troubled. To calibrate his brilliant mind, he went back to the beginning and double checked the meaning of the word “arrogance”. English is Zontar’s 632,333,232 language, and he wanted to be sure of himself. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/arrogance
arrogance
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\
- Function:
- noun
- Date:
- 14th century
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
Zontar read carefully into this definition. Was Zontar arrogant? Do not mistake Zontar for an egomaniac! He will readily admit to any flaws in his character. Just because he hasn’t found any yet doesn’t mean that they may not exist. However, I honestly can say my pride in my melodious emissions was not hubris but justifiable. I merely wanted to share with the rest of Earth. That case is closed!
Then it dawned on Zontar that of late, Mr. Obama has been pilloried in the press and on the sphere of blogdom for the sin of Arrogance. Comparing candidates, Zontar must admit that Mr. Obama does have an “attitude of superiority”. He is superior. His intelligence is several notches above Mrs. Clinton’s. If she had an ounce of sense she would have never uttered her fervent wish for an unfortunate accident to occur to Mr. Obama in June. Zontar knew for many months prior of her wish. (Zontar having the preternatural gift of mind reading). To be entirely fair, it is not her fault. All of her major strategies and utterances have come from her husband, William. Zontar always mistrusted this man, and with good reasons. Zontar has uncovered a candid photo of him just after awakening and before he had a chance to ready himself for the day.
It occurred to Zontar that it is unfair to judge Mrs. Clinton’s intelligence, or lack thereof on her alone, as she has surrendered her will and soul completely to the machinations of William. But vilifying Mr. Obama as being arrogant seems most unfair, simply because he happens to have a brain and a mind of his own. Zontar, frankly has tired of the mud-slinging and endless rhetoric of this campaign. It has gone on entirely too long and Zontar is now bored. Then a brainstorm hit Zontar while expunging his Glabrob upon the commode: Let’s settle the election here and now. I present to you Madame Clinton and Mr. Obama in a truly meaningful debate. I urge you to watch both videos so you can make an informed decision:
Now observe Mr. Obama in action:
It is patently obvious Mr. Obama is the winner. His fart was bold and confident. He made no apologies for it. Whereas Mrs. Clinton was ashamed. It was a weak emission. She tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. But her audience knew, and now you, my loyal minions know as well.
Paid for by the Zontar for Supreme Being of All Universe Committee. Zontar has approved this message.
Hail Loyal Minions!
Hail Truth!!
Hail Zontar!!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 