One Day in the Life of Zontar the Magnificent! June 1, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in General Farts.Tags: a day in the life of, a dull life, alien in america, aliens, blame canada, blog posts, bloggers, blogging, blogs, bordom, boring blogs, canada, canada's contribution to the world, canadian culture, canadian food, canadian food sucks, clocks, corned yak hash, daily schedule, dog turd, earthlings, farting, fecal matter, flatulence, glabrob, going to the bathroom, hillary, hillary clinton, hillary's failed candidacy, hockey, lord of the universe, monotony, my job, outer space, people blogging about their life, personal diary, pettienss, poop, pooping, potatoes, poutine, rituals, roast glabrob, smelly, smelly bathroom, smelly farts, spaceship, stinky bathroom, time schedule, vomit, vomiting, work, xenon, xenonian cuisine, zontar, zontar's spaceship
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Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar of late has been reading many hundreds of blogs and has been struck by the stunning variety of them. There seems to be blogs covering every subject imaginable, from the sacred to the profane, from the profound to the trivial, from those extolling one political viewpoint to those in favor of the opposite end of the spectrum. Of course, Zontar has not observed any other blog that could begin to touch his by any possible standard you could think of. But Zontar possesses an open mind and he is subject to the possibility, however remote, that any blog could approach the wisdom of insight of his sacred scribblings.
In Zontar’s journey into the nether reaches of the internet, Zontar alighted upon a very curious subject for a blog: a personal diary. At first Zontar was aghast at them. Why would anyone wish to read the most mundane ramblings of a decidedly ordinary person ranting on about such decidedly ordinary events such as what they ate, drank, what time they woke up, what they watched on television etc. to the point where the reader is lulled into a state of ennui closely resembling a coma.
Some hours later, your faithful scribe awoke from a deep slumber with the most profound and deep insight. Zontar’s initial impression of diary themed blogs was way off the mark. To arrive at the truth, sometimes Zontar takes several detours until he arrives at the destination of Wisdom.
Zontar realized that, even though these types of blogs may seem exceedingly tedious and dull, they actually are quite profound. What is life after all but a string of repetitive and dull actions which one tends to repeat every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade until one reaches the endgame of existence? All of these monotonous tasks have added up to ones life. The Meaning of Life is not found in any holy book or Learned Tome, nay not even in the profound musings of your beloved Zontar. Therefore there is nothing more deep and meaningful in the blogosphere than these diaries one finds littering the internet like so many dried dog turds.
Zontar, having experienced the above epiphany, was inspired to treat you to a day in his life. He presents it to you now for your amusement and edification.
9:41 a.m. Zontar awakens from a fitful night’s sleep. Zontar suffers from the affliction of insomnia which is the curse he has to endure from possessing the most brilliant of minds. His brain is so highly developed that it can never be completely shut off. Insightful and original insights are always pouring forth from his psyche. Zontar continually awakes with these revelations and he must immediately put them to paper.
Zontar, however is not one to complain. His spirits are lifted immediately when he awakes by the sight of his beloved 29,323,452 wife Anorexia who is holding Sputum, Zontar’s beloved new-born baby son.
Zontar’s heart warms at this touching image of domestic bliss.
10:10 a.m. Zontar gets out of bed. He leaves Anorexia alone to suckle Sputum. Zontar goes to the toilet to relieve himself of the repast he enjoyed the previous night. To begin, Zontar emits a stream of decidedly loud, foul smelling farts. Zontar knows this is going to be a long session. For some reason roast glabrob binds up Zontar in a very painful way. Fortunately Zontar cogitates well upon the commode so it is time well spent. The most profound thoughts Zontar has had comes during the act of moving his bowels. After Zontar’s bowels have been purged, he looks down to inspect his morning’s work and remembers he still has to eat his breakfast.
11:33 a.m. Zontar leaves the bathroom leaving a lethal stench which would curl the average earthling’s fingernails. For that reason no one else is allowed to enter Zontar’s evacuation room. Any being who does not hail from Xenon will immediately be vaporized upon smelling Zontar’s handiwork.
Zontar then goes to the kitchen to prepare himself a delicious breakfast of corned yak hash over potatoes. Zontar is a superb chef and thoroughly enjoys this splendid repast.
12:34 p.m. Zontar walks to the couch and sits down. He receives a phone call from his employer at the local car wash, asking if Zontar was planning to come to work today as he was due in at 8:00 that morning. Zontar said he was still thinking about it, and that he would get back to him. Zontar was then unceremoniously and summarily fired. Zontar thought nothing more of it as he is above such petty concerns.
12:58 p.m. Zontar turns on the television to catch up on the news. Zontar watched a very interesting story about Hillary Clinton and her failed candidacy:
2:35 p.m. Zontar decides to take out his spaceship for one last ride. Zontar has been advised that it is being repossessed on the morrow due to a temporary cash flow problem.
Zontar decides to visit his old stomping grounds of Canada. There he enjoys a delicious luncheon of the national dish of that fair land, poutine:
Zontar’s delicate constitution causes this delicacy to be retransmitted back to the bowl, ready for immediate resale.
Zontar then went to sample Canada’s great cultural contribution to the civilized world:
Zontar then realizes he has dallied too long in the Great White North, land of maple syrup and excessive beer consumption. Zontar was concerned Anorexia would be worried. Zontar flies back home.
When he enters his domicile, Zontar looks at the clock.
:
1:47 a.m. Zontar has had a long day so he wends his way to his bedroom to the waiting arms of Anorexia. An alien’s life just can’t get much better than this!
There you have it, my faithful minions: a typical day in the life of Zontar. I hope it was as fascinating for you to read it as it was for me to live it.
Hail Interminable Blog Posts!
Hail Quotidian Tedium!
Hail Zontar!!
Gaseous Emissions and Arrogance May 26, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farting Contests, Political Farts.Tags: arrogance, barack hussein obama, barak obama, bill clinton, candidates, clinton, conspiracy to assasinate obama, definition of arrogance, different kinds of farts, digestive tract, earthlings, egomaniac, election 2008, fart, fart session, farting, farting competition, farting contest, farting match, flatulence, gaseous emissions, glabrob, hillary clinton, hillary farting, hillary makes weak farts, hillary vs obama, hillary wants obama killed, hubris, humility, is obama arrogant, melodious emissions, mud-slinging, obama, obama assasination, obama farting, obama farts better than hillary, obama has confidence, obama is arrogant, obama is superior, obama the better farter, plan to assasinate obama, political rhetoric, politics, presidential debate, presidential election, slick willie, superiority complex, the clintons, the sin of arrogance, variety of farts, videos, voice of reason, xenonian, xenonian fart session, zontar
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Greetings Earthlings!
Your impartial Xenonian observer of your political process was engaged in his (typical) tireless search for Truth today, mulling over the vicious race between Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama when his breakfast came back to haunt him. Glabrob, while yummy, has an unfortunate effect on ones digestive tract. Zontar happily had his tape recorder running to capture the results of his gassy morning and he thought he would like to share:
Zontar was justifiably proud and wanted to share with Earth the sounds of a true Xenonian fart session. Then Zontar pondered: “Zontar!”, I asked myself, “Wouldn’t your boasts about your flatulence be misconstrued as arrogance”? Zontar was deeply troubled. To calibrate his brilliant mind, he went back to the beginning and double checked the meaning of the word “arrogance”. English is Zontar’s 632,333,232 language, and he wanted to be sure of himself. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/arrogance
arrogance
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\
- Function:
- noun
- Date:
- 14th century
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
Zontar read carefully into this definition. Was Zontar arrogant? Do not mistake Zontar for an egomaniac! He will readily admit to any flaws in his character. Just because he hasn’t found any yet doesn’t mean that they may not exist. However, I honestly can say my pride in my melodious emissions was not hubris but justifiable. I merely wanted to share with the rest of Earth. That case is closed!
Then it dawned on Zontar that of late, Mr. Obama has been pilloried in the press and on the sphere of blogdom for the sin of Arrogance. Comparing candidates, Zontar must admit that Mr. Obama does have an “attitude of superiority”. He is superior. His intelligence is several notches above Mrs. Clinton’s. If she had an ounce of sense she would have never uttered her fervent wish for an unfortunate accident to occur to Mr. Obama in June. Zontar knew for many months prior of her wish. (Zontar having the preternatural gift of mind reading). To be entirely fair, it is not her fault. All of her major strategies and utterances have come from her husband, William. Zontar always mistrusted this man, and with good reasons. Zontar has uncovered a candid photo of him just after awakening and before he had a chance to ready himself for the day.
It occurred to Zontar that it is unfair to judge Mrs. Clinton’s intelligence, or lack thereof on her alone, as she has surrendered her will and soul completely to the machinations of William. But vilifying Mr. Obama as being arrogant seems most unfair, simply because he happens to have a brain and a mind of his own. Zontar, frankly has tired of the mud-slinging and endless rhetoric of this campaign. It has gone on entirely too long and Zontar is now bored. Then a brainstorm hit Zontar while expunging his Glabrob upon the commode: Let’s settle the election here and now. I present to you Madame Clinton and Mr. Obama in a truly meaningful debate. I urge you to watch both videos so you can make an informed decision:
Now observe Mr. Obama in action:
It is patently obvious Mr. Obama is the winner. His fart was bold and confident. He made no apologies for it. Whereas Mrs. Clinton was ashamed. It was a weak emission. She tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. But her audience knew, and now you, my loyal minions know as well.
Paid for by the Zontar for Supreme Being of All Universe Committee. Zontar has approved this message.
Hail Loyal Minions!
Hail Truth!!
Hail Zontar!!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 