Fart Etiquette Part I

Greetings, Earthlings!

Zontar’s vast intelligence encompasses all things. He contemplates deep subjects (the Meaning of Life, Politics, History, Philosophy). He also has great interest in the smallest minutiae of everyday existence. Nothing is off limits to the all powerful and mighty Zontar!

A subject which is sorely under-discussed and almost completely ignored is the etiquette of farting. The average dolt may say “Zontar, you’ve lost it dude! You fart and that’s it. Get over it!” I beg to differ, uneducated, ignorant and vile mortal!! Farting is a fact of everyday life for everyone. There is not a day goes by when everyone does not fart. From the lowliest peasant to the mighty and proud rulers of the Earth, all indulge in breaking wind. Since this is such a common, and important part of our lives, we all need to learn more about HOW to fart. The etiquette can differ slightly from country to country, but overall the etiquette of farting is surprisingly universal.

Of course, when one is in solitude, the rules don’t apply. But in public one must be most cognizant of the proprieties. For example, if one is in an elevator and lets out a gaseous discharge do you apologize? It can depend on a number of circumstances. If it is only you and one other person on board, then it is acceptable and expected to mutter a quick “Sorry” and try to pretend it didn’t happen. However, if there is more than two persons on the elevator and you fart, it is permissible to say nothing, as no one can ever know with any certainty that it was you, unless the discharge was so loud as to make it painfully obvious that it was you. In that circumstance you should apologize. Otherwise keep the others guessing. There is no need to open yourself up to shame and ridicule if you don’t have to. 

This is a vast topic, one richly deserving an entire tome devoted to it. I assure you I will add updates.

Thank you my loyal minions!