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Zontar on the Run June 3, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.
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Greetings, Earthlings!

Zontar is writing today in hiding. Why, you may ask is Zontar, the omnipotent arbiter of the fate of the entire universe, the greatest mind which exists currently and for all time, cowering in some miserable hovel like a craven coward?

It is, dearest minion, because they are coming to get me! Who is they, one may ask? Is it the CIA, Homeland Security, INS, DEA, ATB, FBI, the Arkansas mafia? Zontar knoweth not with any certainty. What Zontar does know with absolute certainty is that he is in danger. Among other preternatural gifts he possesses is a danger meter which is embedded in his brain. Any time Zontar is in danger this meter is activated causing him to be on high alert.

Rest assured. Zontar is no pusillanimous poltroon. If it were just himself he had to be watchful for Zontar would not care if some thug tried to topple his omnipotence. But I have more than myself to worry about. I am worried about you my faithful reader. If Zontar were to be captured then who would enlighten you? You would be forced to live your life in squalid and abject ignorance. You rely on Zontar to open your small minds to the wisdom and truth which he gives to you.

What offense has Zontar committed to merit this persecution? It is not anything Zontar has done. Zontar has never broken any law! Zontar is only guilty of one thing: being a Xenonian. It is America’s dirty little secret. In this enlightened age, all forms of racism are looked down upon except for one: being an alien. Aliens are treated like so much fecal matter in your so called “United States”. Even Mexicans and Canadians are treated with more respect.

We cannot find jobs, housing, obtain sustenance all because of being born outside of this galaxy. This Xenonphobia must be stopped now!

Zontar has tried for years to become legal in your country, but the authorities will not allow it. Only 1 alien is allowed in every 25 years. Zontar became so desperate he obtained a false identification card on the black market.

Everywhere one looks you can see the evidence of this hatred of aliens. Even something as innocent as a child’s toy is not exempt from the hatred.

When Zontar tries to get a job he is greeted with this sign in the employment office.

The most humiliating incident yet occurred yesterday. Zontar was out jogging when he heard the tell tale gaseous emissions which warn him that he must hurry as Zontar’s fecal matter is ready to emerge. Zontar went to the nearest restroom and was greeted with this:

Upon entering the Aliens Only toilet I saw the final insult.

Aliens are treated worse than the maggots which feed on the flies which alight upon feces.

Not a pretty thing, is it Earthling? Neither is the plight of the illegal alien. Zontar urges you to fight against it in any way you can. Write your congressman, organize a protest march. Anything you can think of to help us, please do so.

If Zontar is discovered, he will be deported back to Xenon where he will be immediately executed. Do you want Zontar’s blood on your hands?

Hail Illegal Aliens!

Hail Zontar!!

Hillary, Obama and RFK: A Malodorous Link May 24, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farts on Fire!, General Farts, Political Farts.
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4 comments

Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar has been studying your current Democratic primary process with much amusement and would like to comment on the recent news regarding Madame Hillary  about her reasons for staying in the race even though someone as simple as your “W” could see her chances at this point were not as good as a snowball in the nether regions of Gehenna. She replied “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right?” Clinton told the newspaper. “We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.”

This unfortunate statement created quite a stir in your America. Poor Hillary was caught making this stunning statement on a very bad day. She evidently has been short on sleep, the press has collectively already held a post mortem on her failed candidacy, plus she is espoused to the Evil One Slick Willie who has lost his slickness and ability to mask his guile and ruthless ambition. Her mental state caused her to utter her upcoming plans to have Mr. Obama assassinated, knowing it to be the only way she would have a chance to become the Democratic candidate.

Zontar has learned from sources, which must for obvious reasons remain anonymous, how Hillary plans to accomplish this evil deed. Bill Clinton has arranged to have a member of Obama’s inner circle (actually a mole planted by Bill many months ago) to eat a very large meal consisting of nothing but hard boiled eggs, garbanzo beans and copious amounts of beer. This mole will arrange to lure Mr. Obama into a private room on some bogus pretext. Once in the room, the mole will bend over and emit a large, ear-splitting, nose numbing fart. The mole will then light this fart and incinerate Mr. Obama.

I am making this public because Zontar detests all violence and acts of hatred. Zontar urges Mr. Obama to forthwith fire all his staff and replace them with people he can trust. Lest any of you think that I am indulging in a flight of fantasy, I wish to remind you of the words of Michael Corleone: “If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone”.

Earthlings! I urge you to stop the madness!!