One Day in the Life of Zontar the Magnificent! June 1, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in General Farts.Tags: a day in the life of, a dull life, alien in america, aliens, blame canada, blog posts, bloggers, blogging, blogs, bordom, boring blogs, canada, canada's contribution to the world, canadian culture, canadian food, canadian food sucks, clocks, corned yak hash, daily schedule, dog turd, earthlings, farting, fecal matter, flatulence, glabrob, going to the bathroom, hillary, hillary clinton, hillary's failed candidacy, hockey, lord of the universe, monotony, my job, outer space, people blogging about their life, personal diary, pettienss, poop, pooping, potatoes, poutine, rituals, roast glabrob, smelly, smelly bathroom, smelly farts, spaceship, stinky bathroom, time schedule, vomit, vomiting, work, xenon, xenonian cuisine, zontar, zontar's spaceship
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Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar of late has been reading many hundreds of blogs and has been struck by the stunning variety of them. There seems to be blogs covering every subject imaginable, from the sacred to the profane, from the profound to the trivial, from those extolling one political viewpoint to those in favor of the opposite end of the spectrum. Of course, Zontar has not observed any other blog that could begin to touch his by any possible standard you could think of. But Zontar possesses an open mind and he is subject to the possibility, however remote, that any blog could approach the wisdom of insight of his sacred scribblings.
In Zontar’s journey into the nether reaches of the internet, Zontar alighted upon a very curious subject for a blog: a personal diary. At first Zontar was aghast at them. Why would anyone wish to read the most mundane ramblings of a decidedly ordinary person ranting on about such decidedly ordinary events such as what they ate, drank, what time they woke up, what they watched on television etc. to the point where the reader is lulled into a state of ennui closely resembling a coma.
Some hours later, your faithful scribe awoke from a deep slumber with the most profound and deep insight. Zontar’s initial impression of diary themed blogs was way off the mark. To arrive at the truth, sometimes Zontar takes several detours until he arrives at the destination of Wisdom.
Zontar realized that, even though these types of blogs may seem exceedingly tedious and dull, they actually are quite profound. What is life after all but a string of repetitive and dull actions which one tends to repeat every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade until one reaches the endgame of existence? All of these monotonous tasks have added up to ones life. The Meaning of Life is not found in any holy book or Learned Tome, nay not even in the profound musings of your beloved Zontar. Therefore there is nothing more deep and meaningful in the blogosphere than these diaries one finds littering the internet like so many dried dog turds.
Zontar, having experienced the above epiphany, was inspired to treat you to a day in his life. He presents it to you now for your amusement and edification.
9:41 a.m. Zontar awakens from a fitful night’s sleep. Zontar suffers from the affliction of insomnia which is the curse he has to endure from possessing the most brilliant of minds. His brain is so highly developed that it can never be completely shut off. Insightful and original insights are always pouring forth from his psyche. Zontar continually awakes with these revelations and he must immediately put them to paper.
Zontar, however is not one to complain. His spirits are lifted immediately when he awakes by the sight of his beloved 29,323,452 wife Anorexia who is holding Sputum, Zontar’s beloved new-born baby son.
Zontar’s heart warms at this touching image of domestic bliss.
10:10 a.m. Zontar gets out of bed. He leaves Anorexia alone to suckle Sputum. Zontar goes to the toilet to relieve himself of the repast he enjoyed the previous night. To begin, Zontar emits a stream of decidedly loud, foul smelling farts. Zontar knows this is going to be a long session. For some reason roast glabrob binds up Zontar in a very painful way. Fortunately Zontar cogitates well upon the commode so it is time well spent. The most profound thoughts Zontar has had comes during the act of moving his bowels. After Zontar’s bowels have been purged, he looks down to inspect his morning’s work and remembers he still has to eat his breakfast.
11:33 a.m. Zontar leaves the bathroom leaving a lethal stench which would curl the average earthling’s fingernails. For that reason no one else is allowed to enter Zontar’s evacuation room. Any being who does not hail from Xenon will immediately be vaporized upon smelling Zontar’s handiwork.
Zontar then goes to the kitchen to prepare himself a delicious breakfast of corned yak hash over potatoes. Zontar is a superb chef and thoroughly enjoys this splendid repast.
12:34 p.m. Zontar walks to the couch and sits down. He receives a phone call from his employer at the local car wash, asking if Zontar was planning to come to work today as he was due in at 8:00 that morning. Zontar said he was still thinking about it, and that he would get back to him. Zontar was then unceremoniously and summarily fired. Zontar thought nothing more of it as he is above such petty concerns.
12:58 p.m. Zontar turns on the television to catch up on the news. Zontar watched a very interesting story about Hillary Clinton and her failed candidacy:
2:35 p.m. Zontar decides to take out his spaceship for one last ride. Zontar has been advised that it is being repossessed on the morrow due to a temporary cash flow problem.
Zontar decides to visit his old stomping grounds of Canada. There he enjoys a delicious luncheon of the national dish of that fair land, poutine:
Zontar’s delicate constitution causes this delicacy to be retransmitted back to the bowl, ready for immediate resale.
Zontar then went to sample Canada’s great cultural contribution to the civilized world:
Zontar then realizes he has dallied too long in the Great White North, land of maple syrup and excessive beer consumption. Zontar was concerned Anorexia would be worried. Zontar flies back home.
When he enters his domicile, Zontar looks at the clock.
:
1:47 a.m. Zontar has had a long day so he wends his way to his bedroom to the waiting arms of Anorexia. An alien’s life just can’t get much better than this!
There you have it, my faithful minions: a typical day in the life of Zontar. I hope it was as fascinating for you to read it as it was for me to live it.
Hail Interminable Blog Posts!
Hail Quotidian Tedium!
Hail Zontar!!
Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts.Tags: 1776, allies, america, americans, americans unaware of anti-americanism, anti-americanism, anti-americans, arrogance, assistance during wwii, britain, britain and the united states, british, british farts, brits, cooperation, coup de gras, dead cockroaches, defeat, digestive problems, earthlings, education, england a third rate power, england is bankrupt, english bread, english farts, english food, europe, europeans, fart, farting, farting in the uk, farts, flatulence, food in england sucks, franklin roosevelt, gas, gas mask, gastric distress, gastrointestinal, german yeast, historical references, history, hitler, hitler farted a lot, hitler was flatulent, humans, humiliation, hypocrisy, insights, intestinal gas, karl marx, large farts, learning, lend lease act, malodorous, musings, napoleon complex, nausea, north vietnam, overconfidence, politics, rectum, research, revolutionary war, roosevelt, rubbing salt into the wound, short man syndrome, small penis syndrome, smelly farts, spaceship, stench, stomach upset, the defeat of england, the digestive system, the english defeat, the uk, the vindictive british, typical english breakfast, united states, victuals, vietnam war, vomiting, war, war of 1812, why britons hate america, why people hate america, why the british hate america, why the english hate america, winston churchill, wwii, zontar
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Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.
Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.
It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.
There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.
The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).
Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.
The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.
Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.
Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…
‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.
Here are some examples of English delicacies.
Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.
The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.
Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.
Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.
Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”
Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.
Zontar salutes all!
Hail Wisdom!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 