Zontar’s Got Mail! June 4, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: aboot, alien, american obsession with celebrities, angry americans, angry brits, angry canadians, angry mexicans, bad aliens, beef jerky, blog hits, blogging, blogosphere, blogs, blogsphere, boobs, british football hooligans, britons, brits, canada, canadian food, canadians, celebrities, churchill, cleavage, controversial topics, controversy, desperate attempts for attention, dissenting opinions, earthlings, eh, england bankrupt after wwii, everybody loves zontar, everyone loves me, everyone loves zontar, feedback, great white north, hate mail, hit counter, hockey, humble, humility, i am a genious, illegal immigration, james hagee, journalism, lancashire, letters to the editor, lost souls, masturbation, millions of hits per hour, molson golden, montreal, pamela anderson, paris hilton, pedro lopez, pseudo-celebrities, readership, revolutionary war, semen, stereotypes, uk, why canadians hate americans, wwii, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Ever since starting his blog, Zontar was blessed with a huge audience. My first entry gave me, at last count, over 120,239 hits and my readership has increased proportionately to the point where now I average several million hits an hour.
Zontar is well pleased. He is grateful that he is able to edify and entertain such a huge and diverse audience of those who thirst for Zontar’s brilliant wisdom.
If Zontar were to publish all of the e-mail from the grateful masses whose miserable lives he has changed from his perspicacious and profound insights, he would break the bandwidth of this server. It may appear that Zontar is a braggart. We all know this is not the case. Zontar doesn’t need to wallow in the idolatry of the responses he has received. It is enough to know that he could help the many unfortunates out in the blogosphere whose souls have been thirsting for his genius.
Unfortunately, there are a few brainless cretins who just don’t understand Zontar’s incredible intelligence, and Zontar has paid the price by a slew of hate mail from these dolts. In the interest of fair play, Zontar has decided to publish some of the hateful missives he receives from these lost souls who have taken offense by something Zontar may have said.
Zontar here presents some of his hate mail. He does it not to expose the unmitigated idiocy of those foolish enough to disagree with him, but to give a full and balanced view of his entire readership. After all, they may have valid points, and Zontar is big enough to take it without resorting to mocking them.
The first response I will present comes from Adam, a football hooligan by trade who hails from Lancashire, United Kingdom who took offense from some comments from my hard-hitting expose of Anglo-American relations, farting and really bad English food.
u fuckin arsehole! The enlish kicked yer fuckin arses in revolution war.we just didnt want u no more. roosevelt was a nancyboy anyway and he DID want to bankerupt england. it was him who had the stinking farts not churchill and english food is better than other food in world.you never even been to uk u fuckin idiot.u do com here ill kick ur fuckin alien arse back to wherevr the fuckin shithole place u com from.
Adam, I was most delighted to hear from you. Your points are well taken. Let’s agree to disagree. Cheers!
Our next post comes from a celebrity of sorts, the very most reverend and holy James Hagee.
I was most flattered to know that such an important and august man of the cloth would take the time to respond to a lowly alien regarding his masterpiece about America’s love affair with celebrities.
If you had a soul you would be going straight to hell to burn in the everlasting pain and torment of the damned! How dare you encourage the weak minded to search for salacious and provocative pictures which aids them in the grave sin of masturbation. With each squirt of semen which comes from their erect penis, so hard, so purple, so manly , it is that much longer those poor souls are condemned to the fiery pit! Showing the protruding bosoms of whores such as Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton is luring the unrighteous straight to Gehenna! Shame on you Alien! Shame!!
My dear Reverend Hagee, Zontar humbly apologizes for the sin you have condemned him of. He hereby promises he will never show enticing photos of these pseudo celebrities such as Paris Hilton
and Pamela Anderson.
My intent was solely to point out the despicable lengths American journalists will stoop to soley for wider circulation. They know that their magazines will sell much better if they include photos of the the cleavage of the above lost souls. Zontar humbly apologizes and hopes you will forgive him. Zontar meant no harm!
Zontar’s ground breaking entry which discussed many controversial topics such as illegal immigration was the inspiration for this reply from Pedro Lopez of Pomona, California.
Hey alien, you stupid or something? America stole Mexico from us so we take back whats ours. You trying to take our jobs away from us or something? I could be supreme thinker or whatever just as good as you you piece of shit.
Pedro, my innocent! I loved your reply! You do have a point, an idiotic one, but a point. Feel free to write me back any time.
Lastly, Zontar was most surprised to get a negative response to his entertaining and delightful post detailing a day in the life of your faithful scribe. Of all the unlikely sources for this negative comments was from a Canadian of all people, John from Montreal.
I must protest the way you present Canada, my beloved country, in such a negative light. I find your use of cliches such as “maple syrup”, “hockey”, “poutine” and “excessive beer consumption” paints an entire nation as moronic and strikes me as deeply offensive. Blog entries such as this are the reason why some Canadians hate Americans.
John, I do most humbly apologize to you. I can assure you that Zontar holds only the deepest respect and love for his neighbours to the north (see, I inserted a u for friendship). I would never make fun of Canada or Canadians: Zontar has too high a regard for them. To show you that Zontar did not mean to reinforce cliches about the Great White North, Zontar would like to buy you a Molsons, treat you to some beef jerky then go to your hoose and watch some Canadians beat America’s ass in hockey. That will show you what Zontar is all aboot. No hard feelings, eh?
Zontar has been pleased to present the dissenting opinions of the few pea-brained amobeas who have disagreed with him. If you wish to contact me, you can e-mail me directly at
zontar@thosewhodisagreewithmewillbemockedandpubliclyhumiliated.com
Hail Free and Open Exchange of Ideas!
Hail Zontar!!
Gaseous Emissions and Arrogance May 26, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farting Contests, Political Farts.Tags: arrogance, barack hussein obama, barak obama, bill clinton, candidates, clinton, conspiracy to assasinate obama, definition of arrogance, different kinds of farts, digestive tract, earthlings, egomaniac, election 2008, fart, fart session, farting, farting competition, farting contest, farting match, flatulence, gaseous emissions, glabrob, hillary clinton, hillary farting, hillary makes weak farts, hillary vs obama, hillary wants obama killed, hubris, humility, is obama arrogant, melodious emissions, mud-slinging, obama, obama assasination, obama farting, obama farts better than hillary, obama has confidence, obama is arrogant, obama is superior, obama the better farter, plan to assasinate obama, political rhetoric, politics, presidential debate, presidential election, slick willie, superiority complex, the clintons, the sin of arrogance, variety of farts, videos, voice of reason, xenonian, xenonian fart session, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings Earthlings!
Your impartial Xenonian observer of your political process was engaged in his (typical) tireless search for Truth today, mulling over the vicious race between Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama when his breakfast came back to haunt him. Glabrob, while yummy, has an unfortunate effect on ones digestive tract. Zontar happily had his tape recorder running to capture the results of his gassy morning and he thought he would like to share:
Zontar was justifiably proud and wanted to share with Earth the sounds of a true Xenonian fart session. Then Zontar pondered: “Zontar!”, I asked myself, “Wouldn’t your boasts about your flatulence be misconstrued as arrogance”? Zontar was deeply troubled. To calibrate his brilliant mind, he went back to the beginning and double checked the meaning of the word “arrogance”. English is Zontar’s 632,333,232 language, and he wanted to be sure of himself. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/arrogance
arrogance
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\
- Function:
- noun
- Date:
- 14th century
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
Zontar read carefully into this definition. Was Zontar arrogant? Do not mistake Zontar for an egomaniac! He will readily admit to any flaws in his character. Just because he hasn’t found any yet doesn’t mean that they may not exist. However, I honestly can say my pride in my melodious emissions was not hubris but justifiable. I merely wanted to share with the rest of Earth. That case is closed!
Then it dawned on Zontar that of late, Mr. Obama has been pilloried in the press and on the sphere of blogdom for the sin of Arrogance. Comparing candidates, Zontar must admit that Mr. Obama does have an “attitude of superiority”. He is superior. His intelligence is several notches above Mrs. Clinton’s. If she had an ounce of sense she would have never uttered her fervent wish for an unfortunate accident to occur to Mr. Obama in June. Zontar knew for many months prior of her wish. (Zontar having the preternatural gift of mind reading). To be entirely fair, it is not her fault. All of her major strategies and utterances have come from her husband, William. Zontar always mistrusted this man, and with good reasons. Zontar has uncovered a candid photo of him just after awakening and before he had a chance to ready himself for the day.
It occurred to Zontar that it is unfair to judge Mrs. Clinton’s intelligence, or lack thereof on her alone, as she has surrendered her will and soul completely to the machinations of William. But vilifying Mr. Obama as being arrogant seems most unfair, simply because he happens to have a brain and a mind of his own. Zontar, frankly has tired of the mud-slinging and endless rhetoric of this campaign. It has gone on entirely too long and Zontar is now bored. Then a brainstorm hit Zontar while expunging his Glabrob upon the commode: Let’s settle the election here and now. I present to you Madame Clinton and Mr. Obama in a truly meaningful debate. I urge you to watch both videos so you can make an informed decision:
Now observe Mr. Obama in action:
It is patently obvious Mr. Obama is the winner. His fart was bold and confident. He made no apologies for it. Whereas Mrs. Clinton was ashamed. It was a weak emission. She tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. But her audience knew, and now you, my loyal minions know as well.
Paid for by the Zontar for Supreme Being of All Universe Committee. Zontar has approved this message.
Hail Loyal Minions!
Hail Truth!!
Hail Zontar!!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 