Zontar, The Fart Master!

Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008

Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.

Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.

It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.

There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.

The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).

Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.

The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.

Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.

Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…

‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.

Here are some examples of English delicacies.

Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.

The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.

Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.

Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.

Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”

Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.

Zontar salutes all!

Hail Wisdom!

Hail Zontar!!