One Day in the Life of Zontar the Magnificent! June 1, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in General Farts.Tags: a day in the life of, a dull life, alien in america, aliens, blame canada, blog posts, bloggers, blogging, blogs, bordom, boring blogs, canada, canada's contribution to the world, canadian culture, canadian food, canadian food sucks, clocks, corned yak hash, daily schedule, dog turd, earthlings, farting, fecal matter, flatulence, glabrob, going to the bathroom, hillary, hillary clinton, hillary's failed candidacy, hockey, lord of the universe, monotony, my job, outer space, people blogging about their life, personal diary, pettienss, poop, pooping, potatoes, poutine, rituals, roast glabrob, smelly, smelly bathroom, smelly farts, spaceship, stinky bathroom, time schedule, vomit, vomiting, work, xenon, xenonian cuisine, zontar, zontar's spaceship
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Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar of late has been reading many hundreds of blogs and has been struck by the stunning variety of them. There seems to be blogs covering every subject imaginable, from the sacred to the profane, from the profound to the trivial, from those extolling one political viewpoint to those in favor of the opposite end of the spectrum. Of course, Zontar has not observed any other blog that could begin to touch his by any possible standard you could think of. But Zontar possesses an open mind and he is subject to the possibility, however remote, that any blog could approach the wisdom of insight of his sacred scribblings.
In Zontar’s journey into the nether reaches of the internet, Zontar alighted upon a very curious subject for a blog: a personal diary. At first Zontar was aghast at them. Why would anyone wish to read the most mundane ramblings of a decidedly ordinary person ranting on about such decidedly ordinary events such as what they ate, drank, what time they woke up, what they watched on television etc. to the point where the reader is lulled into a state of ennui closely resembling a coma.
Some hours later, your faithful scribe awoke from a deep slumber with the most profound and deep insight. Zontar’s initial impression of diary themed blogs was way off the mark. To arrive at the truth, sometimes Zontar takes several detours until he arrives at the destination of Wisdom.
Zontar realized that, even though these types of blogs may seem exceedingly tedious and dull, they actually are quite profound. What is life after all but a string of repetitive and dull actions which one tends to repeat every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade until one reaches the endgame of existence? All of these monotonous tasks have added up to ones life. The Meaning of Life is not found in any holy book or Learned Tome, nay not even in the profound musings of your beloved Zontar. Therefore there is nothing more deep and meaningful in the blogosphere than these diaries one finds littering the internet like so many dried dog turds.
Zontar, having experienced the above epiphany, was inspired to treat you to a day in his life. He presents it to you now for your amusement and edification.
9:41 a.m. Zontar awakens from a fitful night’s sleep. Zontar suffers from the affliction of insomnia which is the curse he has to endure from possessing the most brilliant of minds. His brain is so highly developed that it can never be completely shut off. Insightful and original insights are always pouring forth from his psyche. Zontar continually awakes with these revelations and he must immediately put them to paper.
Zontar, however is not one to complain. His spirits are lifted immediately when he awakes by the sight of his beloved 29,323,452 wife Anorexia who is holding Sputum, Zontar’s beloved new-born baby son.
Zontar’s heart warms at this touching image of domestic bliss.
10:10 a.m. Zontar gets out of bed. He leaves Anorexia alone to suckle Sputum. Zontar goes to the toilet to relieve himself of the repast he enjoyed the previous night. To begin, Zontar emits a stream of decidedly loud, foul smelling farts. Zontar knows this is going to be a long session. For some reason roast glabrob binds up Zontar in a very painful way. Fortunately Zontar cogitates well upon the commode so it is time well spent. The most profound thoughts Zontar has had comes during the act of moving his bowels. After Zontar’s bowels have been purged, he looks down to inspect his morning’s work and remembers he still has to eat his breakfast.
11:33 a.m. Zontar leaves the bathroom leaving a lethal stench which would curl the average earthling’s fingernails. For that reason no one else is allowed to enter Zontar’s evacuation room. Any being who does not hail from Xenon will immediately be vaporized upon smelling Zontar’s handiwork.
Zontar then goes to the kitchen to prepare himself a delicious breakfast of corned yak hash over potatoes. Zontar is a superb chef and thoroughly enjoys this splendid repast.
12:34 p.m. Zontar walks to the couch and sits down. He receives a phone call from his employer at the local car wash, asking if Zontar was planning to come to work today as he was due in at 8:00 that morning. Zontar said he was still thinking about it, and that he would get back to him. Zontar was then unceremoniously and summarily fired. Zontar thought nothing more of it as he is above such petty concerns.
12:58 p.m. Zontar turns on the television to catch up on the news. Zontar watched a very interesting story about Hillary Clinton and her failed candidacy:
2:35 p.m. Zontar decides to take out his spaceship for one last ride. Zontar has been advised that it is being repossessed on the morrow due to a temporary cash flow problem.
Zontar decides to visit his old stomping grounds of Canada. There he enjoys a delicious luncheon of the national dish of that fair land, poutine:
Zontar’s delicate constitution causes this delicacy to be retransmitted back to the bowl, ready for immediate resale.
Zontar then went to sample Canada’s great cultural contribution to the civilized world:
Zontar then realizes he has dallied too long in the Great White North, land of maple syrup and excessive beer consumption. Zontar was concerned Anorexia would be worried. Zontar flies back home.
When he enters his domicile, Zontar looks at the clock.
:1:47 a.m. Zontar has had a long day so he wends his way to his bedroom to the waiting arms of Anorexia. An alien’s life just can’t get much better than this!
There you have it, my faithful minions: a typical day in the life of Zontar. I hope it was as fascinating for you to read it as it was for me to live it.
Hail Interminable Blog Posts!
Hail Quotidian Tedium!
Hail Zontar!!
Celebrity Adulation and Pussy Farts May 27, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Pussy Farts.Tags: actors, aliens, americans, americans obsessed with celebrities, an alien living in america, artists, awe, baby one more time, britney exhibitionist, britney exposed, britney sings with her vagina, britney spears, britney spears child custody, britney spears emotional meltdown, britney spears is flatulent, britney's shaved pussy, canadians, celebrities, celebrities with no talent, celebrity adulation, celebrity emotional breakdown, child custody dispute, earth, earthlings, farting from pussy, fellatiatic prowess, flatulence, hairless pussy, hemorrhoid syndrome, homorrhoids, jessica simpson, kevin federline, lapetians, learned tome, libido, lust, musical talent, national enquirer, nicole ritchie, nude britney, olson twins, outer space, pamala anderson, paris hilton, photo of britney's shaved pussy, pussy cat, pussy farting, Pussy Farts, rectums, saturn, sexual thirst, singers, space ship, supermodels, talentless celebrities, vagina tunes, venus, wonderment, xenon, xenon has true talent, xenonians, zontar
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Zontar, your faithful and impartial observer of all that is meaningful, offers his felicitations. Your faithful scribe was overwhelmed by anguish today when he was overcome by a nasty case of multiple hemorrhoid syndrome. Since Xenonians have 5 rectums Zontar was suffering the agony of the damned as all aforementioned recti were afflicted at the same time. Zontar had taken his space ship out for a spin over the weekend to observe the nude beach on Lapetus, one of Saturn’s moons. Zontar had heard many lascivious accounts of the beauty of the naked Lapetian and decided to observe it first hand, not for any prurient reason mind you! Zontar is not cursed with the disgusting libido of the average Earthling. Zontar just wanted to add to his knowledge. The visit was not a success as all of the Lapetians were hibernating. Zontar should have realized this. Zontar knows full well that all inhabitants of Lapetus hibernate every 10th year and stay asleep for 20. Zontar flew back to Earth in a funk. The only thing Zontar gained from his expedition was the aforementioned attack of hemorrhoids due to the length of time Zontar had to sit in his spaceship on the round trip to Lapetus.
Zontar is a very strong alien. He does not give in to weakness and pain, but he had to give in as the multiple throbbing hemorrhoids almost made Zontar weep! Zontar could not take any more of the agony so Zontar went to Earth physician. While in the waiting room, Zontar espied a copy of your National Enquirer and perused the contents thereof.
Zontar was most curious and it struck Zontar that Americans are obsessed with celebrities. Zontar had heard this before from Canadians, French, English and German Earthlings (who are just as obsessed but somehow don’t realize it).
Zontar observed in the pages of this Learned Tome various Earth celebrities such as Paris Hilton, the Olson Twins, Kevin Federline, Nicole Ritchie, Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson.
Zontar studied the stories about these persons with awe and wonder. Zontar was awed because he realized that the only thing these “celebrities” have in common is their stunning lack of any ascertainable talent whatsoever, save for their fellatiatic prowess and a stunning and ridiculous willingness to air the ennui inducing details of their emotional breakdowns.
Zontar cannot understand! On Xenon we have many famed artistes who are famous not for humiliating themselves in public but for true talent. The actors on the Xenonian stage are superb! The singers can spin an old Xenonian lullaby to make a jaded, world weary alien cry his eyes out and our supermodels are breathtakingly beautiful. Zontar himself is quite an accomplished actor, singer and artist. Very few can compare to him. As Zontar is also blessed with humility he will remain silent on this subject.
As Zontar continued waiting for the Earthly healer to aid him, Zontar’s eyes alighted upon one more “celebrity” who seemed to be getting more attention than all the rest.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Miss Britney Spears!
Zontar did much research into the life of this worthy,and aside from a decidedly modest musical talent, she was best known for her emotional meltdown and a child custody dispute and a celebrated incident where she exposed herself in public. As a civic duty I will reproduce said photo of her shame. This is however a family blog and I will not allow the innocent eyes of a child to be corrupted with such filth. By clicking on the following link you affirm that you are at least 18 years of age. Click here to see a picture of Britney’s shaved pussy.
Zontar was shocked at this shameless exhibition. Upon further research Zontar discovered that Britney is also famous for one other talent: pussy farting. Zontar is such an innocent that he had to look up what this meant and he was shocked to learn that Ms. Spears major talent is a remarkable ability to expunge air through her womb. She has become so adept at it that she can play a tune strictly through said orifice. If you listen carefully to “Baby One More Time” hear her singing harmony with her her own vagina.
You Earthings are nothing if not inventive!
Hail Talentless Neurotic Hacks!
Hail Zontar!!