Profiles in Xenonian Courage May 31, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts on Fire!.Tags: 2nd amendment, attention deprived, attention seekers, attention whores, beauty is truth, blog, blog hits, blog topics, bloggers, blogging, boobies, boobs, breasts, capital punishment, celebrities, controversial topics, controversy, death penalty, earthlings, family friendly, fart, farting, farting fire, fire farting, Fire Farts, flatulence, g rated, gay marriage, google, gun control, hail zontar, i don't understand violence, illegal immigration, immigration, lindsay lohan, mammarian, mastabatory obsession, masturbation, ol sparky, people obsessed with violence, pimping blogs, pimps, prayer, prayer in public schools, quality vs quantity, salacious, second amendment, sex, shameless plugs, supreme being, supreme thinker, tits, truth is beauty, violence, web surfing, wisdom, writing for tots, xenon, xenonian courage, zontar, zontar's gun, zontar's wisdom, zzzzz
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Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar is pleased to be with you again! Before starting his blog, Zontar had no way to disseminate his unparalleled insights to a mass audience. Now that he has started blogging he has spread his wisdom to all and sundry in lands near and far. This gives Zontar great joy! If Zontar can reach only one soul upon Earth, to open their ignorant and blind eyes to the Truth which Zontar dispenses, then the many hours Zontar has toiled will be worth it. Zontar cares not if he has one reader or one million. All he cares about is the quality of his work, not the quantity of hits.
It is sadly true that many people “pimp” out their blogs shamelessly on many forums. Some bloggers shamelessly whore themselves out to increase their audience! This is indeed a sad thing. They may get some extraneous hits from some cretinous fool searching for salacious drivel on Google but what is such a hit worth in the grand scheme? Is a bigger audience for your blog worth your soul? I think not!
Zontar would never demean himself to write posts devoted to lowly, common and controversial topics solely to become famous in the blogosphere. Rest assured, steadfast and loyal reader that Zontar would never write about:
Gratutious sex. Zontar sayeth all allusions to sex and sexual relations should be banned from the internet. It should be discussed only between a man and a woman in the sanctity of the marriage bed. After all, Zontar is writing for all, even the tiniest of tots. Zontar would not want to warp their fragile minds.
Gay Marriage. You will never see this overtly controversial topic anywhere on Zontar’s blog. Zontar will sum up the situation with a quote from Moses, who said “a man shall not lie with a man as if he was a woman.” On a parenthetical note, Zontar was well acquainted with Moses, and it is rumored that he and Joshua spent a little too much time together. Zontar is not as judgmental as Moses. Zontar has no interest which orifice the penis of a homosexual enters. Zontar thinketh that any person who does care possesses a very small mind or is most certainly homosexual themselves or both. Most likely both. Zontar has spoken!
Violence. An abomination upon the Earth. Zontar shall not stoop so low as to satisfy the blood lust of hordes of mindless, senseless, bloody bawdy villains! He shall not publish photos such as the one above. Besides, Zontar does not understand violence. On Xenon, all beings are timid and peace loving. Only on your Earth are people obsessed with it. Fie upon it! Fie!!
Gun Control. This has been worn into the ground. Zontar does not need to mention this simply to get more hits. Besides, the second amendment to the constitution to the “United States” assures all of the right to harm themselves and others. All one needs to know is that they can have Zontar’s gun when they pry it from his cold, dead hands.
Prayer in the Public Schools. This issue has been playing like a broken record for decades. Zontar says to give it a decent burial. Zontar thinks all religion and practice thereof should be relegated to the home. Zontar, however, does not want to start any controversy so he will remain neutral.
Capital Punishment. An old chestnut which Zontar deigns not to discuss except to mention that on Xenon if you take a life then your life is forfeited. Xenon, though a lovely Utopia in the outer most reaches of space was rather harsh. The death penalty was not reserved for the crime of murder alone. Among other infractions you could meet your maker for were running red lights, being late on your rent and not using deodorant.
Illegal Immigration. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, Zontar was put to sleep since he was a lad by this subject. What’s to discuss? If you are in the “United States” illegally you are a criminal and should be treated as such. Don’t believe the bromide about illegal immigrants being here because they are doing the jobs legal immigrants and citizens would not take. Zontar says balderdash! Take a look at Zontar. His first jobs in your America were bussing dishes, picking grapes and emptying septic tanks, yet he worked himself up to his present exalted status as Supreme Arbiter of Morality and Wisdom for all the Universe!
Fire Farting. Zontar is aware of the great popularity of this peurile, peculiarly American hobby, but he will not give in to pressure and discuss it, show a photo of it, or ever even mention its existence.
Lindsay Lohan. Oh my Goodness! Zontar cannot understand why a certain type of human would prowl the internet looking for provocative photos of starlets who possess no talent except a certain mammarian pulchritude to inspire them in their mastabatory fantasies. If you have searched the internet and reached Zontar’s matchless blog while looking for Ms. Lohan or others of her ilk, Zontar says shame! He does not want anyone coming to his blog who is only interested of the satiation of their animal lust and not the improvement of their mind.
Zontar could continue ad nausem ad infinitum in bringing up such popular internet search topics as you see above. But he will stop now because he does not want to encourage further deranged abuse of web-surfing. In the immortal words of John Keats: “Beauty is Truth, Truth is Beauty”. That is what you will obtain on Zontar’s blog!
Hail Beauty!
Hail Truth!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 