Face the Alienation June 6, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: a public service, alienation, american politics, anger management and McCain, barack hussein obama, bill clinton, blowjobs, democratic party, earthlings, election 2008, electoral process, face the alienation, face the nation, fart, farts, fellatio, flatulence, gay sex obama and osama, here's johnny, hillary clinton, holy scripture, humble zontar, hussein, i am famous, illegal alien, illegal immigrant, iraq, jeremiah wright, john McCain, living in america, many subscribers, McCain, McCain farting, McCain has bad temper, McCain is flatulent, McCain is unstable, monica lewinsky, obama, obama loves osama, obama terrorist sympathizer, osama bin laden, outerspace, politics, presidential election, primary process, problem with bowels, republican party, secret photos of obama, shame on you!, super delegates, the clintons, top secret obama, war, zontar, zontar for president
24 comments
Greetings, Earthlings!
Due to his unfortunate status as an illegal alien, Zontar is denied the privilege of voting. It has been particularly painful due to the most amusing primary process the “United States” has been enjoying as of late. However, just because Zontar cannot vote himself does not mean that he cannot greatly influence the electoral process.
Zontar has untold millions of loyal followers who hang on to his every word as if it were holy scripture. Zontar’s blog has so many subscribers that this pitiful server cannot show the exact numbers. Zontar has more influence and power than all the “super delegates” put together.
Therefore, as a public service Zontar will succinctly analyze this current election. Read, Learn, Obey!
First, as far as the Republican party is concerned Zontar is most concerned over the selection of Mr. McCain. In Zontar’s eyes Mr. McCain is a bit too enthusiastic over the unfortunate conflict in Iraq, plus he has a certain reputation as being a trifle unstable.
On the Democratic side, voters were given the golden opportunity to elect the redoubtable spouse of the recipient of the most famous act of fellatio in the history of mankind.
The voters unfortunately rejected Madame Clinton and they will forever regret it.
The most disturbing aspect of this current election season is the selection of Barack HUSSEIN Obama as the Democratic nominee.
Zontar has obtained some photos which the Obama camp does not want you to see. One can understand why. If you were Obama would you want the electorate to see you in your undisguised state?
It is also quite understandable why Mr. Obama and his advisers tried to play down his association with the ever amusing Jeremiah Wright and one of Obama’s oldest friends:
That is right, my fellow seekers of truth on life’s highway. Obama’s dearest friend, his childhood playmate, his roommate at Harvard, is the most monstrous terrorist in the history of mankind. Should we hand over the office of the president of the United States to someone who was most likely in on the planning of 9/11? I think not! Instead he should be sent forthwith to the torture chambers of Guantanamo Bay and be forced to divulge the shameful truth!
The alternate of Mr. McCain being elected as the leader of the free world is not acceptable. Zontar, through his gift of second sight has a vision of McCain being awakened at 3 a.m. and unleashing nuclear warheads into the atmosphere for no good reason other than being in a sour mood from losing his sleep. Old folks do get moody!
Also would you want your president to have no more control of his bowels than this?
If Zontar could run he would, but the fascistic constitution forbids an illegal alien from a different galaxy from becoming president.
But fear not, no matter the outcome this November, Zontar will be there to provide you with his insights and wisdom.
Hail to the Chief!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar’s Got Mail! June 4, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: aboot, alien, american obsession with celebrities, angry americans, angry brits, angry canadians, angry mexicans, bad aliens, beef jerky, blog hits, blogging, blogosphere, blogs, blogsphere, boobs, british football hooligans, britons, brits, canada, canadian food, canadians, celebrities, churchill, cleavage, controversial topics, controversy, desperate attempts for attention, dissenting opinions, earthlings, eh, england bankrupt after wwii, everybody loves zontar, everyone loves me, everyone loves zontar, feedback, great white north, hate mail, hit counter, hockey, humble, humility, i am a genious, illegal immigration, james hagee, journalism, lancashire, letters to the editor, lost souls, masturbation, millions of hits per hour, molson golden, montreal, pamela anderson, paris hilton, pedro lopez, pseudo-celebrities, readership, revolutionary war, semen, stereotypes, uk, why canadians hate americans, wwii, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Ever since starting his blog, Zontar was blessed with a huge audience. My first entry gave me, at last count, over 120,239 hits and my readership has increased proportionately to the point where now I average several million hits an hour.
Zontar is well pleased. He is grateful that he is able to edify and entertain such a huge and diverse audience of those who thirst for Zontar’s brilliant wisdom.
If Zontar were to publish all of the e-mail from the grateful masses whose miserable lives he has changed from his perspicacious and profound insights, he would break the bandwidth of this server. It may appear that Zontar is a braggart. We all know this is not the case. Zontar doesn’t need to wallow in the idolatry of the responses he has received. It is enough to know that he could help the many unfortunates out in the blogosphere whose souls have been thirsting for his genius.
Unfortunately, there are a few brainless cretins who just don’t understand Zontar’s incredible intelligence, and Zontar has paid the price by a slew of hate mail from these dolts. In the interest of fair play, Zontar has decided to publish some of the hateful missives he receives from these lost souls who have taken offense by something Zontar may have said.
Zontar here presents some of his hate mail. He does it not to expose the unmitigated idiocy of those foolish enough to disagree with him, but to give a full and balanced view of his entire readership. After all, they may have valid points, and Zontar is big enough to take it without resorting to mocking them.
The first response I will present comes from Adam, a football hooligan by trade who hails from Lancashire, United Kingdom who took offense from some comments from my hard-hitting expose of Anglo-American relations, farting and really bad English food.
u fuckin arsehole! The enlish kicked yer fuckin arses in revolution war.we just didnt want u no more. roosevelt was a nancyboy anyway and he DID want to bankerupt england. it was him who had the stinking farts not churchill and english food is better than other food in world.you never even been to uk u fuckin idiot.u do com here ill kick ur fuckin alien arse back to wherevr the fuckin shithole place u com from.
Adam, I was most delighted to hear from you. Your points are well taken. Let’s agree to disagree. Cheers!
Our next post comes from a celebrity of sorts, the very most reverend and holy James Hagee.
I was most flattered to know that such an important and august man of the cloth would take the time to respond to a lowly alien regarding his masterpiece about America’s love affair with celebrities.
If you had a soul you would be going straight to hell to burn in the everlasting pain and torment of the damned! How dare you encourage the weak minded to search for salacious and provocative pictures which aids them in the grave sin of masturbation. With each squirt of semen which comes from their erect penis, so hard, so purple, so manly , it is that much longer those poor souls are condemned to the fiery pit! Showing the protruding bosoms of whores such as Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton is luring the unrighteous straight to Gehenna! Shame on you Alien! Shame!!
My dear Reverend Hagee, Zontar humbly apologizes for the sin you have condemned him of. He hereby promises he will never show enticing photos of these pseudo celebrities such as Paris Hilton
and Pamela Anderson.
My intent was solely to point out the despicable lengths American journalists will stoop to soley for wider circulation. They know that their magazines will sell much better if they include photos of the the cleavage of the above lost souls. Zontar humbly apologizes and hopes you will forgive him. Zontar meant no harm!
Zontar’s ground breaking entry which discussed many controversial topics such as illegal immigration was the inspiration for this reply from Pedro Lopez of Pomona, California.
Hey alien, you stupid or something? America stole Mexico from us so we take back whats ours. You trying to take our jobs away from us or something? I could be supreme thinker or whatever just as good as you you piece of shit.
Pedro, my innocent! I loved your reply! You do have a point, an idiotic one, but a point. Feel free to write me back any time.
Lastly, Zontar was most surprised to get a negative response to his entertaining and delightful post detailing a day in the life of your faithful scribe. Of all the unlikely sources for this negative comments was from a Canadian of all people, John from Montreal.
I must protest the way you present Canada, my beloved country, in such a negative light. I find your use of cliches such as “maple syrup”, “hockey”, “poutine” and “excessive beer consumption” paints an entire nation as moronic and strikes me as deeply offensive. Blog entries such as this are the reason why some Canadians hate Americans.
John, I do most humbly apologize to you. I can assure you that Zontar holds only the deepest respect and love for his neighbours to the north (see, I inserted a u for friendship). I would never make fun of Canada or Canadians: Zontar has too high a regard for them. To show you that Zontar did not mean to reinforce cliches about the Great White North, Zontar would like to buy you a Molsons, treat you to some beef jerky then go to your hoose and watch some Canadians beat America’s ass in hockey. That will show you what Zontar is all aboot. No hard feelings, eh?
Zontar has been pleased to present the dissenting opinions of the few pea-brained amobeas who have disagreed with him. If you wish to contact me, you can e-mail me directly at
zontar@thosewhodisagreewithmewillbemockedandpubliclyhumiliated.com
Hail Free and Open Exchange of Ideas!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar on the Run June 3, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: activism, aliens, aliens only toilet, aliens treated badly in america, an alien in america, arkansas mafia, atb, being a xenonian, being an alien, being watched, being watchful, bigotry, canadians, cia, clinton mafia, danger, danger ahead, danger meter, dea, earthlings, employment office, false id card, false indentification car, farting, farts, fbi, fecal matter, feeling persecuted, flatulence, gaseous emissions, hate, hatred of aliens, help zontar, homeland security, illegal aliens, illegal aliens are human beings too, illegal aliens here, illegal immigration, ins, insulting, leave illegal aliens alone, mental illness, mexicans, no jobs for aliens, omnipotence, on high alert, organize a protest march, outerspace, paranoia, persecution, please help aliens, politics, prejudice, prejudice against aliens, protest march, racism, racism and aliens, resident alien, say no to illegal aliens, teddy bears, teddy bears against illegal aliens, the black market, they're coming to get me, toilets, worried about being deported, write your congressman, xenon, xenonian, xenophobia, zontar, zontar is in danger
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Zontar is writing today in hiding. Why, you may ask is Zontar, the omnipotent arbiter of the fate of the entire universe, the greatest mind which exists currently and for all time, cowering in some miserable hovel like a craven coward?
It is, dearest minion, because they are coming to get me! Who is they, one may ask? Is it the CIA, Homeland Security, INS, DEA, ATB, FBI, the Arkansas mafia? Zontar knoweth not with any certainty. What Zontar does know with absolute certainty is that he is in danger. Among other preternatural gifts he possesses is a danger meter which is embedded in his brain. Any time Zontar is in danger this meter is activated causing him to be on high alert.
Rest assured. Zontar is no pusillanimous poltroon. If it were just himself he had to be watchful for Zontar would not care if some thug tried to topple his omnipotence. But I have more than myself to worry about. I am worried about you my faithful reader. If Zontar were to be captured then who would enlighten you? You would be forced to live your life in squalid and abject ignorance. You rely on Zontar to open your small minds to the wisdom and truth which he gives to you.
What offense has Zontar committed to merit this persecution? It is not anything Zontar has done. Zontar has never broken any law! Zontar is only guilty of one thing: being a Xenonian. It is America’s dirty little secret. In this enlightened age, all forms of racism are looked down upon except for one: being an alien. Aliens are treated like so much fecal matter in your so called “United States”. Even Mexicans and Canadians are treated with more respect.
We cannot find jobs, housing, obtain sustenance all because of being born outside of this galaxy. This Xenonphobia must be stopped now!
Zontar has tried for years to become legal in your country, but the authorities will not allow it. Only 1 alien is allowed in every 25 years. Zontar became so desperate he obtained a false identification card on the black market.
Everywhere one looks you can see the evidence of this hatred of aliens. Even something as innocent as a child’s toy is not exempt from the hatred.
When Zontar tries to get a job he is greeted with this sign in the employment office.
The most humiliating incident yet occurred yesterday. Zontar was out jogging when he heard the tell tale gaseous emissions which warn him that he must hurry as Zontar’s fecal matter is ready to emerge. Zontar went to the nearest restroom and was greeted with this:
Upon entering the Aliens Only toilet I saw the final insult.
Aliens are treated worse than the maggots which feed on the flies which alight upon feces.
Not a pretty thing, is it Earthling? Neither is the plight of the illegal alien. Zontar urges you to fight against it in any way you can. Write your congressman, organize a protest march. Anything you can think of to help us, please do so.
If Zontar is discovered, he will be deported back to Xenon where he will be immediately executed. Do you want Zontar’s blood on your hands?
Hail Illegal Aliens!
Hail Zontar!!
Bush: A Flatulent Mind May 29, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Political Farts.Tags: born again christian, born born with only half a brain, brainless child, brains, bush, bush farts a lot, bush has spunk, bush is flatulent, bush is simpleton, bush is the greatest president ever, bush quotes, bush's brain, bush's discharges, carbon emissions, cerebellum, christians, earthlings, fart, farting, farts, flatulent emissions, flatulent mind, gaseous episode, george bush a noble man, government, hail zontar, i speak the truth, iraq, is our children learning, mental handicap, mentally retarded, mindless cretins, mr bush, passing gas, politics, prank, presidency of bush, president, purging, purging emissions, rectums, retarded, retarded bush, retarded president, smelly farts, society's prejudice, supreme being, supreme mind, temporal lobe, the average american, united states, willful child, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, the beneficent scribe of all that is true and just, described recently a virulent attack of multiple hemorrhoids. I am happy to announce that Zontar has recovered fully from said affliction, and he wishes to thank the many well-wishers who urged him to regain his good health and be returned back to all so he may spread his kindness, deep intelligence and insights. Thank you loyal minions! While in his sick bed of agony to which he was sentenced, Zontar was overcome by many flatulent emissions. The smell reminded him of his beloved home of Xenon, where the atmosphere is redolent of farts. This nostalgic reverie prompted your beloved Zontar to muse on a variety of subjects. Zontar confesses that his most brilliant insights are derived during the act of purging emissions from his multiple rectums.
During Zontar’s most recent gaseous episode Zontar, who was watching your Earthly television, saw on a broadcast of recent events (your so-called “news”) an image of the president of your so-called “United States”. Zontar was struck by an insight and, as Zontar is in a most benevolent mood given the many get well cards he received, decided to reveal a Truth which is sorely in need of divulging. That is that Mr. Bush is the greatest president who has ever had the privilege of residing in the White House!
Pshaw, the average American may interject at this point. “Zontar! Have you lost your brilliant, multifaceted and supreme mind?! Dubya is the greatest president?! The moron who got us into that ridiculous Iraqi war for absolutely no valid reason whatsoever? That idiot that can’t string a sentence together without making at least 12 grammatical errors?! Zontar I am so disappointed in you! Shame! Double Shame!!”.
Zontar can understand such a reaction, due to the fact that Zontar is above such pettiness. Just because some inferior being mocks Zontar, Zontar is very mature and understands that they cannot begin to comprehend to understand the depth of intelligence of such a superior mind as Zontar possesses. Zontar will try to explain to you, beloved reader, owner of an inferior Earthling brain, the logic behind Zontar’s assertion.
Zontar can vouchsafe why some people would mock his opinion. In pure Earthly terms, Mr. Bush does come across as somewhat slow. Observe him in action:
While Zontar does applaud Mr. Bush’s spirited discharges, Zontar does admit to Mr. Bush not always appearing “presidential” at all times.
Also, observe some of the utterances which spring forth from Mr. Bush seem not as erudite as they could be:
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.” —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6
“They misunderestimated me.” —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
Zontar does not make rash judgments. Just because someone comes across as an abject simpleton and fool doesn’t mean anything. Zontar looks at the big picture, cogitates, observes some more, then comes up with Absolute Truth. Zontar will now share the aforementioned Truth to you, unworthy mortal!
Mr. Bush, even though he had the supposed advantage of being born into a very wealthy and powerful family, had many strikes against him from the beginning. Zontar, who has many friends and contacts, has discovered the heartbreaking truth which Mr. Bush has fought against all his life: he was born with only half a brain. To be precise he possesses only a cerebellum and only a fraction of his temporal lobe. All the rest of his brain is absent. What this means in layman’s terms is that it is physically impossible for him to reason, use logic, make decisions on his own or speak without embarrassing himself. To demonstrate proof, Zontar has obtained a copy of Mr. Bush’s latest MRI which shows the unfortunate condition of what can only be mercifully described as a brain:
Zontar was aghast and sore amazed at his findings! It then dawned upon Zontar what a supremely noble man George W. Bush is! He had much more to contend with in his life with than something as mundane as being born in a log cabin. Normally, such children as George would have been put into a home and then forgotten by their families. They would live a meaningless existence, their only activities comprised of staring blankly into space, expunging their bowels and bladders, and drooling incessantly. George would have none of it.
He lifted himself out of the pit the brainless normally wallow in and fought against society’s prejudices against mindless cretins. Through an amazing serendipitous string of luck he became the President of the United States. That is why Zontar thinks Mr. Bush is a very great man. He’s got spunk!
But Zontar can dismiss the Iraq affair as the prank of a naughty, willful and brainless child. What frightens Zontar is that there are people who believe that this Iraqi war is totally justifiable and winnable. At least Mr. Bush has an excuse for this opinion.
Hail All Wise and Knowing Esteemed Leader of the Free Word!
Hail Zontar!!
Gaseous Emissions and Arrogance May 26, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farting Contests, Political Farts.Tags: arrogance, barack hussein obama, barak obama, bill clinton, candidates, clinton, conspiracy to assasinate obama, definition of arrogance, different kinds of farts, digestive tract, earthlings, egomaniac, election 2008, fart, fart session, farting, farting competition, farting contest, farting match, flatulence, gaseous emissions, glabrob, hillary clinton, hillary farting, hillary makes weak farts, hillary vs obama, hillary wants obama killed, hubris, humility, is obama arrogant, melodious emissions, mud-slinging, obama, obama assasination, obama farting, obama farts better than hillary, obama has confidence, obama is arrogant, obama is superior, obama the better farter, plan to assasinate obama, political rhetoric, politics, presidential debate, presidential election, slick willie, superiority complex, the clintons, the sin of arrogance, variety of farts, videos, voice of reason, xenonian, xenonian fart session, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings Earthlings!
Your impartial Xenonian observer of your political process was engaged in his (typical) tireless search for Truth today, mulling over the vicious race between Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama when his breakfast came back to haunt him. Glabrob, while yummy, has an unfortunate effect on ones digestive tract. Zontar happily had his tape recorder running to capture the results of his gassy morning and he thought he would like to share:
Zontar was justifiably proud and wanted to share with Earth the sounds of a true Xenonian fart session. Then Zontar pondered: “Zontar!”, I asked myself, “Wouldn’t your boasts about your flatulence be misconstrued as arrogance”? Zontar was deeply troubled. To calibrate his brilliant mind, he went back to the beginning and double checked the meaning of the word “arrogance”. English is Zontar’s 632,333,232 language, and he wanted to be sure of himself. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/arrogance
arrogance
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\
- Function:
- noun
- Date:
- 14th century
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
Zontar read carefully into this definition. Was Zontar arrogant? Do not mistake Zontar for an egomaniac! He will readily admit to any flaws in his character. Just because he hasn’t found any yet doesn’t mean that they may not exist. However, I honestly can say my pride in my melodious emissions was not hubris but justifiable. I merely wanted to share with the rest of Earth. That case is closed!
Then it dawned on Zontar that of late, Mr. Obama has been pilloried in the press and on the sphere of blogdom for the sin of Arrogance. Comparing candidates, Zontar must admit that Mr. Obama does have an “attitude of superiority”. He is superior. His intelligence is several notches above Mrs. Clinton’s. If she had an ounce of sense she would have never uttered her fervent wish for an unfortunate accident to occur to Mr. Obama in June. Zontar knew for many months prior of her wish. (Zontar having the preternatural gift of mind reading). To be entirely fair, it is not her fault. All of her major strategies and utterances have come from her husband, William. Zontar always mistrusted this man, and with good reasons. Zontar has uncovered a candid photo of him just after awakening and before he had a chance to ready himself for the day.
It occurred to Zontar that it is unfair to judge Mrs. Clinton’s intelligence, or lack thereof on her alone, as she has surrendered her will and soul completely to the machinations of William. But vilifying Mr. Obama as being arrogant seems most unfair, simply because he happens to have a brain and a mind of his own. Zontar, frankly has tired of the mud-slinging and endless rhetoric of this campaign. It has gone on entirely too long and Zontar is now bored. Then a brainstorm hit Zontar while expunging his Glabrob upon the commode: Let’s settle the election here and now. I present to you Madame Clinton and Mr. Obama in a truly meaningful debate. I urge you to watch both videos so you can make an informed decision:
Now observe Mr. Obama in action:
It is patently obvious Mr. Obama is the winner. His fart was bold and confident. He made no apologies for it. Whereas Mrs. Clinton was ashamed. It was a weak emission. She tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. But her audience knew, and now you, my loyal minions know as well.
Paid for by the Zontar for Supreme Being of All Universe Committee. Zontar has approved this message.
Hail Loyal Minions!
Hail Truth!!
Hail Zontar!!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 