Zontar’s Got Mail! June 4, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts, Political Farts.Tags: aboot, alien, american obsession with celebrities, angry americans, angry brits, angry canadians, angry mexicans, bad aliens, beef jerky, blog hits, blogging, blogosphere, blogs, blogsphere, boobs, british football hooligans, britons, brits, canada, canadian food, canadians, celebrities, churchill, cleavage, controversial topics, controversy, desperate attempts for attention, dissenting opinions, earthlings, eh, england bankrupt after wwii, everybody loves zontar, everyone loves me, everyone loves zontar, feedback, great white north, hate mail, hit counter, hockey, humble, humility, i am a genious, illegal immigration, james hagee, journalism, lancashire, letters to the editor, lost souls, masturbation, millions of hits per hour, molson golden, montreal, pamela anderson, paris hilton, pedro lopez, pseudo-celebrities, readership, revolutionary war, semen, stereotypes, uk, why canadians hate americans, wwii, zontar
1 comment so far
Greetings, Earthlings!
Ever since starting his blog, Zontar was blessed with a huge audience. My first entry gave me, at last count, over 120,239 hits and my readership has increased proportionately to the point where now I average several million hits an hour.
Zontar is well pleased. He is grateful that he is able to edify and entertain such a huge and diverse audience of those who thirst for Zontar’s brilliant wisdom.
If Zontar were to publish all of the e-mail from the grateful masses whose miserable lives he has changed from his perspicacious and profound insights, he would break the bandwidth of this server. It may appear that Zontar is a braggart. We all know this is not the case. Zontar doesn’t need to wallow in the idolatry of the responses he has received. It is enough to know that he could help the many unfortunates out in the blogosphere whose souls have been thirsting for his genius.
Unfortunately, there are a few brainless cretins who just don’t understand Zontar’s incredible intelligence, and Zontar has paid the price by a slew of hate mail from these dolts. In the interest of fair play, Zontar has decided to publish some of the hateful missives he receives from these lost souls who have taken offense by something Zontar may have said.
Zontar here presents some of his hate mail. He does it not to expose the unmitigated idiocy of those foolish enough to disagree with him, but to give a full and balanced view of his entire readership. After all, they may have valid points, and Zontar is big enough to take it without resorting to mocking them.
The first response I will present comes from Adam, a football hooligan by trade who hails from Lancashire, United Kingdom who took offense from some comments from my hard-hitting expose of Anglo-American relations, farting and really bad English food.
u fuckin arsehole! The enlish kicked yer fuckin arses in revolution war.we just didnt want u no more. roosevelt was a nancyboy anyway and he DID want to bankerupt england. it was him who had the stinking farts not churchill and english food is better than other food in world.you never even been to uk u fuckin idiot.u do com here ill kick ur fuckin alien arse back to wherevr the fuckin shithole place u com from.
Adam, I was most delighted to hear from you. Your points are well taken. Let’s agree to disagree. Cheers!
Our next post comes from a celebrity of sorts, the very most reverend and holy James Hagee.
I was most flattered to know that such an important and august man of the cloth would take the time to respond to a lowly alien regarding his masterpiece about America’s love affair with celebrities.
If you had a soul you would be going straight to hell to burn in the everlasting pain and torment of the damned! How dare you encourage the weak minded to search for salacious and provocative pictures which aids them in the grave sin of masturbation. With each squirt of semen which comes from their erect penis, so hard, so purple, so manly , it is that much longer those poor souls are condemned to the fiery pit! Showing the protruding bosoms of whores such as Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton is luring the unrighteous straight to Gehenna! Shame on you Alien! Shame!!
My dear Reverend Hagee, Zontar humbly apologizes for the sin you have condemned him of. He hereby promises he will never show enticing photos of these pseudo celebrities such as Paris Hilton
and Pamela Anderson.
My intent was solely to point out the despicable lengths American journalists will stoop to soley for wider circulation. They know that their magazines will sell much better if they include photos of the the cleavage of the above lost souls. Zontar humbly apologizes and hopes you will forgive him. Zontar meant no harm!
Zontar’s ground breaking entry which discussed many controversial topics such as illegal immigration was the inspiration for this reply from Pedro Lopez of Pomona, California.
Hey alien, you stupid or something? America stole Mexico from us so we take back whats ours. You trying to take our jobs away from us or something? I could be supreme thinker or whatever just as good as you you piece of shit.
Pedro, my innocent! I loved your reply! You do have a point, an idiotic one, but a point. Feel free to write me back any time.
Lastly, Zontar was most surprised to get a negative response to his entertaining and delightful post detailing a day in the life of your faithful scribe. Of all the unlikely sources for this negative comments was from a Canadian of all people, John from Montreal.
I must protest the way you present Canada, my beloved country, in such a negative light. I find your use of cliches such as “maple syrup”, “hockey”, “poutine” and “excessive beer consumption” paints an entire nation as moronic and strikes me as deeply offensive. Blog entries such as this are the reason why some Canadians hate Americans.
John, I do most humbly apologize to you. I can assure you that Zontar holds only the deepest respect and love for his neighbours to the north (see, I inserted a u for friendship). I would never make fun of Canada or Canadians: Zontar has too high a regard for them. To show you that Zontar did not mean to reinforce cliches about the Great White North, Zontar would like to buy you a Molsons, treat you to some beef jerky then go to your hoose and watch some Canadians beat America’s ass in hockey. That will show you what Zontar is all aboot. No hard feelings, eh?
Zontar has been pleased to present the dissenting opinions of the few pea-brained amobeas who have disagreed with him. If you wish to contact me, you can e-mail me directly at
zontar@thosewhodisagreewithmewillbemockedandpubliclyhumiliated.com
Hail Free and Open Exchange of Ideas!
Hail Zontar!!
Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts.Tags: 1776, allies, america, americans, americans unaware of anti-americanism, anti-americanism, anti-americans, arrogance, assistance during wwii, britain, britain and the united states, british, british farts, brits, cooperation, coup de gras, dead cockroaches, defeat, digestive problems, earthlings, education, england a third rate power, england is bankrupt, english bread, english farts, english food, europe, europeans, fart, farting, farting in the uk, farts, flatulence, food in england sucks, franklin roosevelt, gas, gas mask, gastric distress, gastrointestinal, german yeast, historical references, history, hitler, hitler farted a lot, hitler was flatulent, humans, humiliation, hypocrisy, insights, intestinal gas, karl marx, large farts, learning, lend lease act, malodorous, musings, napoleon complex, nausea, north vietnam, overconfidence, politics, rectum, research, revolutionary war, roosevelt, rubbing salt into the wound, short man syndrome, small penis syndrome, smelly farts, spaceship, stench, stomach upset, the defeat of england, the digestive system, the english defeat, the uk, the vindictive british, typical english breakfast, united states, victuals, vietnam war, vomiting, war, war of 1812, why britons hate america, why people hate america, why the british hate america, why the english hate america, winston churchill, wwii, zontar
3 comments
Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.
Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.
It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.
There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.
The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).
Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.
The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.
Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.
Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…
‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.
Here are some examples of English delicacies.
Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.
The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.
Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.
Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.
Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”
Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.
Zontar salutes all!
Hail Wisdom!
Hail Zontar!!
Zontar, The Fart Master! 