Zontar, The Fart Master!

Zontar Shall Overcome June 13, 2008

Greetings, Earthlings!

With his pen weighing heavily in his superbly shaped, manly yet delicate hand, Zontar has very bad news to impart. Zontar may have to cease his blog forthwith to circumstances beyond his control. The shocking truth is Zontar is in prison. “What!? I hear you asking in your trembling, incredulous voice. “What is Zontar, the sweetest, most amenable alien to ever walk the face of Earth doing in jail? Oh no Zontar! This can’t be happening!! And to lose your magnificent blog which changed my life with its incredible wisdom and brilliance! I shall kill myself rather than live in a world that doesn’t include my daily dose of Zontar!!”

Dearest minion, Zontar is very touched by your concern for his well being. Fear not, because Zontar is very resilient. He will do everything possible to continue his brilliance from behind prison bars. He has connections and even this very entry has been smuggled out. I will endure all torture and humiliation to continue my mission.

I also urge you not to worry about Zontar’s safety. Zontar has become very good friends with a most delightful and witty companion by the name of Bubba.

Bubba has promised to be my protector in this very savage and brutal place, and all he asks in return is that I become his “ass bitch”. Zontar, being from a distant galaxy and not totally versed in the intricacies of American slang, was not sure exactly what he meant, but Zontar assumes it must be a very good thing. Zontar was flattered.

How did the magnificent Zontar, paragon of manly beauty, the sine qua non of brilliance, wind up in a prison?

Zontar went to the great state of Alabama as to open an adult toy store. “Why, oh mighty Zontar, would you voluntary go to one of the cultural meccas of western civilization to open a sleaze shop shop which caters to the basest of venal human lusts?” Zontar did this to make a stand. He heard about the Alabama law which prohibits the sale of the delightful Earth toy called “dildos”. The punishment for such an infraction is stiff (no pun intended): One year in jail and a ten thousand dollar fine. Zontar thought if he were to be arrested for this, his would be a cause celebre. Millions of outraged Americans would be protesting this unjust law and the ACLU, the NAACP, PETA and Greenpeace would all converge upon the court and demand that this ridiculous statute be repealed.

So Zontar went to the Heart of Dixie and opened a delightful little shop he called “OrificeMax”. My most favored stock included the “Orgasmo”,

the “Alien Tickler”

and the ever popular “Comealot”, based on the legend of King Arthur.

For the few brief hours Zontar’s emporium was opened, he had several comely southern belles come in and eye my wondrous inventory. The look in their eyes was one of delight, but also of fear. They dared not purchase one of my magic implements lest they be hauled away to the penal institute (again, no pun is intended.) But they all lurked away back to their dreary little lives, having to rely on the questionable prowess of their menfolk to satisfy their natural desires.

It was not long before the jackbooted thugs of the Alabama State Patrol raided my shop, locked me in handcuffs and put me in jail. While incarcerated those first few nights I was waiting for the ACLU et al to come to my rescue. Alas, there was no knight in shining armor to come to my rescue. I was summarily brought to trial, found guilty and sentenced to prison, which is where I sit now writing to you at great risk. It is night, with no sound except the disgusting farts emanating out of Bubba while he sleeps the sleep of the scum. There is no worse smell in creation than a prison fart. It is a putrid mixture of the hideous prison food, mixed with terror and despair.

Lest you think Alabama is alone in its enlightenment, my cousins Coitus and Fecus both served hard time for trafficking in dildos in Texas. Here’s a photo of them while incarcerated.

Happily both are out of prison now, but are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I fear they shall never be the same.

This is the dark night of Zontar’s soul. I await the response of you, loyal and devoted reader to rescue your Zontar.

Zontar is most worried about his beloved 23,222,432 wife Uvula, who is sitting at home alone, waiting for her sugar alien daddy to come back to her.

My heart truly breaks for her and for you my minions. Zontar is strong. Zontar is asking you to be strong as well.

Hail Altruistic Fighter for Orgasmic Rights for All!

Hail Zontar!!