Zontar Shall Overcome June 13, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts.Tags: aclu, aclu et al, activism, adult toy store, adult toys, alabama, alabama law, alabama prohibits sex toys, alabama state patrol, alien in jail, alien tickler, aliens, altruism, american slang, anal sex, ass bitch, behind bars, brilliance, bubba, bubba farting, celebre, come a lot, comealot, cum a lot, dildos, disgusting farts, dispair, earthlings, fart, farting, farting in prison, farting while sleeping, farts, flatulence, gas, greenpeace, hail zontar, handcuffs, heart of dixie, human lust, incarcerated, jail, king arthur, manly beauty, masturbating, masturbation, masturbation illegal in alabama, naacp, no dildos in alabama, orgasams, orgasmic rights for all, orgasmo, OrificeMax, outer space, penal institute, peta, post traumatic stress disorder, prison, prison bubba, prison farts, prison food, ptsd, sex, sex toy shop, sex toys, southern belles, southern bells, sugar alien daddy, terror, texas, tickler, trafficking dildos in texas, vibrators, wisdom, zontar, zontar in jail, zontar on a mission
6 comments
Greetings, Earthlings!
With his pen weighing heavily in his superbly shaped, manly yet delicate hand, Zontar has very bad news to impart. Zontar may have to cease his blog forthwith to circumstances beyond his control. The shocking truth is Zontar is in prison. “What!? I hear you asking in your trembling, incredulous voice. “What is Zontar, the sweetest, most amenable alien to ever walk the face of Earth doing in jail? Oh no Zontar! This can’t be happening!! And to lose your magnificent blog which changed my life with its incredible wisdom and brilliance! I shall kill myself rather than live in a world that doesn’t include my daily dose of Zontar!!”
Dearest minion, Zontar is very touched by your concern for his well being. Fear not, because Zontar is very resilient. He will do everything possible to continue his brilliance from behind prison bars. He has connections and even this very entry has been smuggled out. I will endure all torture and humiliation to continue my mission.
I also urge you not to worry about Zontar’s safety. Zontar has become very good friends with a most delightful and witty companion by the name of Bubba.
Bubba has promised to be my protector in this very savage and brutal place, and all he asks in return is that I become his “ass bitch”. Zontar, being from a distant galaxy and not totally versed in the intricacies of American slang, was not sure exactly what he meant, but Zontar assumes it must be a very good thing. Zontar was flattered.
How did the magnificent Zontar, paragon of manly beauty, the sine qua non of brilliance, wind up in a prison?
Zontar went to the great state of Alabama as to open an adult toy store. “Why, oh mighty Zontar, would you voluntary go to one of the cultural meccas of western civilization to open a sleaze shop shop which caters to the basest of venal human lusts?” Zontar did this to make a stand. He heard about the Alabama law which prohibits the sale of the delightful Earth toy called “dildos”. The punishment for such an infraction is stiff (no pun intended): One year in jail and a ten thousand dollar fine. Zontar thought if he were to be arrested for this, his would be a cause celebre. Millions of outraged Americans would be protesting this unjust law and the ACLU, the NAACP, PETA and Greenpeace would all converge upon the court and demand that this ridiculous statute be repealed.
So Zontar went to the Heart of Dixie and opened a delightful little shop he called “OrificeMax”. My most favored stock included the “Orgasmo”,
the “Alien Tickler”
and the ever popular “Comealot”, based on the legend of King Arthur.
For the few brief hours Zontar’s emporium was opened, he had several comely southern belles come in and eye my wondrous inventory. The look in their eyes was one of delight, but also of fear. They dared not purchase one of my magic implements lest they be hauled away to the penal institute (again, no pun is intended.) But they all lurked away back to their dreary little lives, having to rely on the questionable prowess of their menfolk to satisfy their natural desires.
It was not long before the jackbooted thugs of the Alabama State Patrol raided my shop, locked me in handcuffs and put me in jail. While incarcerated those first few nights I was waiting for the ACLU et al to come to my rescue. Alas, there was no knight in shining armor to come to my rescue. I was summarily brought to trial, found guilty and sentenced to prison, which is where I sit now writing to you at great risk. It is night, with no sound except the disgusting farts emanating out of Bubba while he sleeps the sleep of the scum. There is no worse smell in creation than a prison fart. It is a putrid mixture of the hideous prison food, mixed with terror and despair.
Lest you think Alabama is alone in its enlightenment, my cousins Coitus and Fecus both served hard time for trafficking in dildos in Texas. Here’s a photo of them while incarcerated.
Happily both are out of prison now, but are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I fear they shall never be the same.
This is the dark night of Zontar’s soul. I await the response of you, loyal and devoted reader to rescue your Zontar.
Zontar is most worried about his beloved 23,222,432 wife Uvula, who is sitting at home alone, waiting for her sugar alien daddy to come back to her.
My heart truly breaks for her and for you my minions. Zontar is strong. Zontar is asking you to be strong as well.
Hail Altruistic Fighter for Orgasmic Rights for All!
Hail Zontar!!
Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts.Tags: 1776, allies, america, americans, americans unaware of anti-americanism, anti-americanism, anti-americans, arrogance, assistance during wwii, britain, britain and the united states, british, british farts, brits, cooperation, coup de gras, dead cockroaches, defeat, digestive problems, earthlings, education, england a third rate power, england is bankrupt, english bread, english farts, english food, europe, europeans, fart, farting, farting in the uk, farts, flatulence, food in england sucks, franklin roosevelt, gas, gas mask, gastric distress, gastrointestinal, german yeast, historical references, history, hitler, hitler farted a lot, hitler was flatulent, humans, humiliation, hypocrisy, insights, intestinal gas, karl marx, large farts, learning, lend lease act, malodorous, musings, napoleon complex, nausea, north vietnam, overconfidence, politics, rectum, research, revolutionary war, roosevelt, rubbing salt into the wound, short man syndrome, small penis syndrome, smelly farts, spaceship, stench, stomach upset, the defeat of england, the digestive system, the english defeat, the uk, the vindictive british, typical english breakfast, united states, victuals, vietnam war, vomiting, war, war of 1812, why britons hate america, why people hate america, why the british hate america, why the english hate america, winston churchill, wwii, zontar
2 comments
Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.
Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.
It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.
There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.
The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).
Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.
The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.
Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.
Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…
‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.
Here are some examples of English delicacies.
Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.
The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.
Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.
Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.
Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”
Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.
Zontar salutes all!
Hail Wisdom!
Hail Zontar!!
