Celebrity Adulation and Pussy Farts May 27, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Pussy Farts.Tags: actors, aliens, americans, americans obsessed with celebrities, an alien living in america, artists, awe, baby one more time, britney exhibitionist, britney exposed, britney sings with her vagina, britney spears, britney spears child custody, britney spears emotional meltdown, britney spears is flatulent, britney's shaved pussy, canadians, celebrities, celebrities with no talent, celebrity adulation, celebrity emotional breakdown, child custody dispute, earth, earthlings, farting from pussy, fellatiatic prowess, flatulence, hairless pussy, hemorrhoid syndrome, homorrhoids, jessica simpson, kevin federline, lapetians, learned tome, libido, lust, musical talent, national enquirer, nicole ritchie, nude britney, olson twins, outer space, pamala anderson, paris hilton, photo of britney's shaved pussy, pussy cat, pussy farting, Pussy Farts, rectums, saturn, sexual thirst, singers, space ship, supermodels, talentless celebrities, vagina tunes, venus, wonderment, xenon, xenon has true talent, xenonians, zontar
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Zontar, your faithful and impartial observer of all that is meaningful, offers his felicitations. Your faithful scribe was overwhelmed by anguish today when he was overcome by a nasty case of multiple hemorrhoid syndrome. Since Xenonians have 5 rectums Zontar was suffering the agony of the damned as all aforementioned recti were afflicted at the same time. Zontar had taken his space ship out for a spin over the weekend to observe the nude beach on Lapetus, one of Saturn’s moons. Zontar had heard many lascivious accounts of the beauty of the naked Lapetian and decided to observe it first hand, not for any prurient reason mind you! Zontar is not cursed with the disgusting libido of the average Earthling. Zontar just wanted to add to his knowledge. The visit was not a success as all of the Lapetians were hibernating. Zontar should have realized this. Zontar knows full well that all inhabitants of Lapetus hibernate every 10th year and stay asleep for 20. Zontar flew back to Earth in a funk. The only thing Zontar gained from his expedition was the aforementioned attack of hemorrhoids due to the length of time Zontar had to sit in his spaceship on the round trip to Lapetus.
Zontar is a very strong alien. He does not give in to weakness and pain, but he had to give in as the multiple throbbing hemorrhoids almost made Zontar weep! Zontar could not take any more of the agony so Zontar went to Earth physician. While in the waiting room, Zontar espied a copy of your National Enquirer and perused the contents thereof.
Zontar was most curious and it struck Zontar that Americans are obsessed with celebrities. Zontar had heard this before from Canadians, French, English and German Earthlings (who are just as obsessed but somehow don’t realize it).
Zontar observed in the pages of this Learned Tome various Earth celebrities such as Paris Hilton, the Olson Twins, Kevin Federline, Nicole Ritchie, Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson.
Zontar studied the stories about these persons with awe and wonder. Zontar was awed because he realized that the only thing these “celebrities” have in common is their stunning lack of any ascertainable talent whatsoever, save for their fellatiatic prowess and a stunning and ridiculous willingness to air the ennui inducing details of their emotional breakdowns.
Zontar cannot understand! On Xenon we have many famed artistes who are famous not for humiliating themselves in public but for true talent. The actors on the Xenonian stage are superb! The singers can spin an old Xenonian lullaby to make a jaded, world weary alien cry his eyes out and our supermodels are breathtakingly beautiful. Zontar himself is quite an accomplished actor, singer and artist. Very few can compare to him. As Zontar is also blessed with humility he will remain silent on this subject.
As Zontar continued waiting for the Earthly healer to aid him, Zontar’s eyes alighted upon one more “celebrity” who seemed to be getting more attention than all the rest.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Miss Britney Spears!
Zontar did much research into the life of this worthy,and aside from a decidedly modest musical talent, she was best known for her emotional meltdown and a child custody dispute and a celebrated incident where she exposed herself in public. As a civic duty I will reproduce said photo of her shame. This is however a family blog and I will not allow the innocent eyes of a child to be corrupted with such filth. By clicking on the following link you affirm that you are at least 18 years of age. Click here to see a picture of Britney’s shaved pussy.
Zontar was shocked at this shameless exhibition. Upon further research Zontar discovered that Britney is also famous for one other talent: pussy farting. Zontar is such an innocent that he had to look up what this meant and he was shocked to learn that Ms. Spears major talent is a remarkable ability to expunge air through her womb. She has become so adept at it that she can play a tune strictly through said orifice. If you listen carefully to “Baby One More Time” hear her singing harmony with her her own vagina.
You Earthings are nothing if not inventive!
Hail Talentless Neurotic Hacks!
Hail Zontar!!
Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008
Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts.Tags: 1776, allies, america, americans, americans unaware of anti-americanism, anti-americanism, anti-americans, arrogance, assistance during wwii, britain, britain and the united states, british, british farts, brits, cooperation, coup de gras, dead cockroaches, defeat, digestive problems, earthlings, education, england a third rate power, england is bankrupt, english bread, english farts, english food, europe, europeans, fart, farting, farting in the uk, farts, flatulence, food in england sucks, franklin roosevelt, gas, gas mask, gastric distress, gastrointestinal, german yeast, historical references, history, hitler, hitler farted a lot, hitler was flatulent, humans, humiliation, hypocrisy, insights, intestinal gas, karl marx, large farts, learning, lend lease act, malodorous, musings, napoleon complex, nausea, north vietnam, overconfidence, politics, rectum, research, revolutionary war, roosevelt, rubbing salt into the wound, short man syndrome, small penis syndrome, smelly farts, spaceship, stench, stomach upset, the defeat of england, the digestive system, the english defeat, the uk, the vindictive british, typical english breakfast, united states, victuals, vietnam war, vomiting, war, war of 1812, why britons hate america, why people hate america, why the british hate america, why the english hate america, winston churchill, wwii, zontar
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Greetings Earthlings!
Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.
Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.
It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.
There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.
The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).
Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.
The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.
Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.
Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…
‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.
Here are some examples of English delicacies.
Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.
The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.
Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.
Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.
Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”
Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.
Zontar salutes all!
Hail Wisdom!
Hail Zontar!!
