Zontar, The Fart Master!

Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar, your faithful and impartial observer of all that is meaningful, offers his felicitations. Your faithful scribe was overwhelmed by anguish today when he was overcome by a nasty case of multiple hemorrhoid syndrome. Since Xenonians have 5 rectums Zontar was suffering the agony of the damned as all aforementioned recti were afflicted at the same time. Zontar had taken his space ship out for a spin over the weekend to observe the nude beach on Lapetus, one of Saturn’s moons. Zontar had heard many lascivious accounts of the beauty of the naked Lapetian and decided to observe it first hand, not for any prurient reason mind you! Zontar is not cursed with the disgusting libido of the average Earthling. Zontar just wanted to add to his knowledge. The visit was not a success as all of the Lapetians were hibernating. Zontar should have realized this. Zontar knows full well that all inhabitants of Lapetus hibernate every 10th year and stay asleep for 20. Zontar flew back to Earth in a funk. The only thing Zontar gained from his expedition was the aforementioned attack of hemorrhoids due to the length of time Zontar had to sit in his spaceship on the round trip to Lapetus.

Zontar is a very strong alien. He does not give in to weakness and pain, but he had to give in as the multiple throbbing hemorrhoids almost made Zontar weep! Zontar could not take any more of the agony so Zontar went to Earth physician. While in the waiting room, Zontar espied a copy of your National Enquirer and perused the contents thereof.

Zontar was most curious and it struck Zontar that Americans are obsessed with celebrities. Zontar had heard this before from Canadians, French, English and German Earthlings (who are just as obsessed but somehow don’t realize it).

Zontar observed in the pages of this Learned Tome various Earth celebrities such as Paris Hilton, the Olson Twins, Kevin Federline, Nicole Ritchie, Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson.

Zontar studied the stories about these persons with awe and wonder. Zontar was awed because he realized that the only thing these “celebrities” have in common is their stunning lack of any ascertainable talent whatsoever, save for their fellatiatic prowess and a stunning and ridiculous willingness to air the ennui inducing details of their emotional breakdowns.

Zontar cannot understand! On Xenon we have many famed artistes who are famous not for humiliating themselves in public but for true talent. The actors on the Xenonian stage are superb! The singers can spin an old Xenonian lullaby to make a jaded, world weary alien cry his eyes out and our supermodels are breathtakingly beautiful. Zontar himself is quite an accomplished actor, singer and artist. Very few can compare to him. As Zontar is also blessed with humility he will remain silent on this subject.

As Zontar continued waiting for the Earthly healer to aid him, Zontar’s eyes alighted upon one more “celebrity” who seemed to be getting more attention than all the rest.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Miss Britney Spears!

Zontar did much research into the life of this worthy,and aside from a decidedly modest musical talent, she was best known for her emotional meltdown and a child custody dispute and a celebrated incident where she exposed herself in public. As a civic duty I will reproduce said photo of her shame. This is however a family blog and I will not allow the innocent eyes of a child to be corrupted with such filth. By clicking on the following link you affirm that you are at least 18 years of age. Click here to see a picture of Britney’s shaved pussy.

Zontar was shocked at this shameless exhibition. Upon further research Zontar discovered that Britney is also famous for one other talent: pussy farting. Zontar is such an innocent that he had to look up what this meant and he was shocked to learn that Ms. Spears major talent is a remarkable ability to expunge air through her womb. She has become so adept at it that she can play a tune strictly through said orifice. If you listen carefully to “Baby One More Time” hear her singing harmony with her her own vagina.

You Earthings are nothing if not inventive!

Hail Talentless Neurotic Hacks!

Hail Zontar!!