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Zontar Shall Overcome June 13, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts.
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Greetings, Earthlings!

With his pen weighing heavily in his superbly shaped, manly yet delicate hand, Zontar has very bad news to impart. Zontar may have to cease his blog forthwith to circumstances beyond his control. The shocking truth is Zontar is in prison. “What!? I hear you asking in your trembling, incredulous voice. “What is Zontar, the sweetest, most amenable alien to ever walk the face of Earth doing in jail? Oh no Zontar! This can’t be happening!! And to lose your magnificent blog which changed my life with its incredible wisdom and brilliance! I shall kill myself rather than live in a world that doesn’t include my daily dose of Zontar!!”

Dearest minion, Zontar is very touched by your concern for his well being. Fear not, because Zontar is very resilient. He will do everything possible to continue his brilliance from behind prison bars. He has connections and even this very entry has been smuggled out. I will endure all torture and humiliation to continue my mission.

I also urge you not to worry about Zontar’s safety. Zontar has become very good friends with a most delightful and witty companion by the name of Bubba.

Bubba has promised to be my protector in this very savage and brutal place, and all he asks in return is that I become his “ass bitch”. Zontar, being from a distant galaxy and not totally versed in the intricacies of American slang, was not sure exactly what he meant, but Zontar assumes it must be a very good thing. Zontar was flattered.

How did the magnificent Zontar, paragon of manly beauty, the sine qua non of brilliance, wind up in a prison?

Zontar went to the great state of Alabama as to open an adult toy store. “Why, oh mighty Zontar, would you voluntary go to one of the cultural meccas of western civilization to open a sleaze shop shop which caters to the basest of venal human lusts?” Zontar did this to make a stand. He heard about the Alabama law which prohibits the sale of the delightful Earth toy called “dildos”. The punishment for such an infraction is stiff (no pun intended): One year in jail and a ten thousand dollar fine. Zontar thought if he were to be arrested for this, his would be a cause celebre. Millions of outraged Americans would be protesting this unjust law and the ACLU, the NAACP, PETA and Greenpeace would all converge upon the court and demand that this ridiculous statute be repealed.

So Zontar went to the Heart of Dixie and opened a delightful little shop he called “OrificeMax”. My most favored stock included the “Orgasmo”,

the “Alien Tickler”

and the ever popular “Comealot”, based on the legend of King Arthur.

For the few brief hours Zontar’s emporium was opened, he had several comely southern belles come in and eye my wondrous inventory. The look in their eyes was one of delight, but also of fear. They dared not purchase one of my magic implements lest they be hauled away to the penal institute (again, no pun is intended.) But they all lurked away back to their dreary little lives, having to rely on the questionable prowess of their menfolk to satisfy their natural desires.

It was not long before the jackbooted thugs of the Alabama State Patrol raided my shop, locked me in handcuffs and put me in jail. While incarcerated those first few nights I was waiting for the ACLU et al to come to my rescue. Alas, there was no knight in shining armor to come to my rescue. I was summarily brought to trial, found guilty and sentenced to prison, which is where I sit now writing to you at great risk. It is night, with no sound except the disgusting farts emanating out of Bubba while he sleeps the sleep of the scum. There is no worse smell in creation than a prison fart. It is a putrid mixture of the hideous prison food, mixed with terror and despair.

Lest you think Alabama is alone in its enlightenment, my cousins Coitus and Fecus both served hard time for trafficking in dildos in Texas. Here’s a photo of them while incarcerated.

Happily both are out of prison now, but are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I fear they shall never be the same.

This is the dark night of Zontar’s soul. I await the response of you, loyal and devoted reader to rescue your Zontar.

Zontar is most worried about his beloved 23,222,432 wife Uvula, who is sitting at home alone, waiting for her sugar alien daddy to come back to her.

My heart truly breaks for her and for you my minions. Zontar is strong. Zontar is asking you to be strong as well.

Hail Altruistic Fighter for Orgasmic Rights for All!

Hail Zontar!!

Face the Alienation June 6, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.
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3 comments

Greetings, Earthlings!

Due to his unfortunate status as an illegal alien, Zontar is denied the privilege of voting. It has been particularly painful  due to the most amusing primary process the “United States” has been enjoying as of late. However, just because Zontar cannot vote himself does not mean that he cannot greatly influence the electoral process.

Zontar has untold millions of loyal followers who hang on to his every word as if it were holy scripture. Zontar’s blog has so many subscribers that this pitiful server cannot show the exact numbers. Zontar has more influence and power than all the “super delegates” put together.

Therefore, as a public service Zontar will succinctly analyze this current election. Read, Learn, Obey!

First, as far as the Republican party is concerned Zontar is most concerned over the selection of Mr. McCain. In Zontar’s eyes Mr. McCain is a bit too enthusiastic over the unfortunate conflict in Iraq, plus he has a certain reputation as being a trifle unstable.

On the Democratic side, voters were given the golden opportunity to elect the redoubtable spouse of the recipient of the most famous act of fellatio in the history of mankind.

 

 

The voters unfortunately rejected Madame Clinton and they will forever regret it.

The most disturbing aspect of this current election season is the selection of Barack HUSSEIN Obama as the Democratic nominee.

Zontar has obtained some photos which the Obama camp does not want you to see. One can understand why. If you were Obama would you want the electorate to see you in your undisguised state?

It is also quite understandable why Mr. Obama and his advisers tried to play down his association with the ever amusing Jeremiah Wright and one of Obama’s oldest friends:

That is right, my fellow seekers of truth on life’s highway. Obama’s dearest friend, his childhood playmate, his roommate at Harvard, is the most monstrous  terrorist in the history of mankind. Should we hand over the office of the president of the United States to someone who was most likely in on the planning of 9/11? I think not! Instead he should be sent forthwith to the torture chambers of Guantanamo Bay and be forced to divulge the shameful truth!

The alternate of Mr. McCain being elected as the leader of the free world is not acceptable. Zontar, through his gift of second sight has a vision of McCain being awakened at 3 a.m. and unleashing nuclear warheads into the atmosphere for no good reason other than being in a sour mood from losing his sleep. Old folks do get moody!

Also would you want your president to have no more control of his bowels than this?

If Zontar could run he would, but the fascistic constitution forbids an illegal alien from a different galaxy from becoming president.

But fear not, no matter the outcome this November, Zontar will be there to provide you with his insights and wisdom.

Hail to the Chief!

Hail Zontar!!

Zontar’s Got Mail! June 4, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Current Farts, Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts, Political Farts.
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1 comment so far

Greetings, Earthlings!

Ever since starting his blog, Zontar was blessed with a huge audience. My first entry gave me, at last count, over 120,239 hits and my readership has increased proportionately to the point where now I average several million hits an hour.

Zontar is well pleased. He is grateful that he is able to edify and entertain such a huge and diverse audience of those who thirst for Zontar’s brilliant wisdom.

If Zontar were to publish all of the e-mail from the grateful masses whose miserable lives he has changed from his perspicacious and profound insights, he would break the bandwidth of this server. It may appear that Zontar is a braggart. We all know this is not the case. Zontar doesn’t need to wallow in the idolatry of the responses he has received. It is enough to know that he could help the many unfortunates out in the blogosphere whose souls have been thirsting for his genius.

Unfortunately, there are a few brainless cretins who just don’t understand Zontar’s incredible intelligence, and Zontar has paid the price by a slew of hate mail from these dolts. In the interest of fair play, Zontar has decided to publish some of the hateful missives he receives from these lost souls who have taken offense by something Zontar may have said.

Zontar here presents some of his hate mail. He does it not to expose the unmitigated idiocy of those foolish enough to disagree with him, but to give a full and balanced view of his entire readership. After all, they may have valid points, and Zontar is big enough to take it without resorting to mocking them.

The first response I will present comes from Adam, a football hooligan by trade who hails from Lancashire, United Kingdom who took offense from some comments from my hard-hitting expose of Anglo-American relations, farting and really bad English food.


u fuckin arsehole! The enlish kicked yer fuckin arses in revolution war.we just didnt want u no more. roosevelt was a nancyboy anyway and he DID want to bankerupt england. it was him who had the stinking farts not churchill and english food is better than other food in world.you never even been to uk u fuckin idiot.u do com here ill kick ur fuckin alien arse back to wherevr the fuckin shithole place u com from.

Adam, I was most delighted to hear from you. Your points are well taken. Let’s agree to disagree. Cheers!

Our next post comes from a celebrity of sorts, the very most reverend and holy James Hagee.

I was most flattered to know that such an important and august man of the cloth  would take the time to respond to a lowly alien regarding his masterpiece about America’s love affair with celebrities.

If you had a soul you would be going straight to hell to burn in the everlasting pain and torment of the damned! How dare you encourage the weak minded to search for salacious and provocative pictures which aids them in the grave sin of masturbation. With each squirt of semen which comes from their erect penis, so hard, so purple, so manly , it is that much longer those poor souls are condemned to the fiery pit! Showing the protruding bosoms of whores such as Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton is luring the unrighteous straight to Gehenna! Shame on you Alien! Shame!!

My dear Reverend Hagee, Zontar humbly apologizes for the sin you have condemned him of. He hereby promises he will never show enticing photos of these pseudo celebrities such as Paris Hilton

and Pamela Anderson.

My intent was solely to point out the despicable lengths American journalists will stoop to soley for wider circulation. They know that their magazines will sell much better if they include photos of the the cleavage of the above lost souls. Zontar humbly apologizes and hopes you will forgive him. Zontar meant no harm!

Zontar’s ground breaking entry which discussed many controversial topics such as illegal immigration was the inspiration for this reply from Pedro Lopez of Pomona, California.

Hey alien, you stupid or something? America stole Mexico from us so we take back whats ours. You trying to take our jobs away from us or something? I could be supreme thinker or whatever just as good as you you piece of shit.

Pedro, my innocent! I loved your reply! You do have a point, an idiotic one, but a point. Feel free to write me back any time.

Lastly, Zontar was most surprised to get a negative response to his entertaining and delightful post detailing a day in the life of your faithful scribe. Of all the unlikely sources for this negative comments was from a Canadian of all people, John from Montreal.

I must protest the way you present Canada, my beloved country, in such a negative light. I find your use of cliches such as “maple syrup”, “hockey”, “poutine” and “excessive beer consumption” paints an entire nation as moronic and strikes me as deeply offensive. Blog entries such as this are the reason why some Canadians hate Americans.

John, I do most humbly apologize to you. I can assure you that Zontar holds only the deepest respect and love for his neighbours to the north (see, I inserted a u for friendship). I would never make fun of Canada or Canadians: Zontar has too high a regard for them. To show you that Zontar did not mean to reinforce cliches about the Great White North, Zontar would like to buy you a Molsons, treat you to some beef jerky then go to your hoose and watch some Canadians beat America’s ass in hockey. That will show you what Zontar is all aboot. No hard feelings, eh?

Zontar has been pleased to present the dissenting opinions of the few pea-brained amobeas who have disagreed with him. If you wish to contact me, you can e-mail me directly at

zontar@thosewhodisagreewithmewillbemockedandpubliclyhumiliated.com

Hail Free and Open Exchange of Ideas!

Hail Zontar!!

Zontar on the Run June 3, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, General Farts, Political Farts.
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Greetings, Earthlings!

Zontar is writing today in hiding. Why, you may ask is Zontar, the omnipotent arbiter of the fate of the entire universe, the greatest mind which exists currently and for all time, cowering in some miserable hovel like a craven coward?

It is, dearest minion, because they are coming to get me! Who is they, one may ask? Is it the CIA, Homeland Security, INS, DEA, ATB, FBI, the Arkansas mafia? Zontar knoweth not with any certainty. What Zontar does know with absolute certainty is that he is in danger. Among other preternatural gifts he possesses is a danger meter which is embedded in his brain. Any time Zontar is in danger this meter is activated causing him to be on high alert.

Rest assured. Zontar is no pusillanimous poltroon. If it were just himself he had to be watchful for Zontar would not care if some thug tried to topple his omnipotence. But I have more than myself to worry about. I am worried about you my faithful reader. If Zontar were to be captured then who would enlighten you? You would be forced to live your life in squalid and abject ignorance. You rely on Zontar to open your small minds to the wisdom and truth which he gives to you.

What offense has Zontar committed to merit this persecution? It is not anything Zontar has done. Zontar has never broken any law! Zontar is only guilty of one thing: being a Xenonian. It is America’s dirty little secret. In this enlightened age, all forms of racism are looked down upon except for one: being an alien. Aliens are treated like so much fecal matter in your so called “United States”. Even Mexicans and Canadians are treated with more respect.

We cannot find jobs, housing, obtain sustenance all because of being born outside of this galaxy. This Xenonphobia must be stopped now!

Zontar has tried for years to become legal in your country, but the authorities will not allow it. Only 1 alien is allowed in every 25 years. Zontar became so desperate he obtained a false identification card on the black market.

Everywhere one looks you can see the evidence of this hatred of aliens. Even something as innocent as a child’s toy is not exempt from the hatred.

When Zontar tries to get a job he is greeted with this sign in the employment office.

The most humiliating incident yet occurred yesterday. Zontar was out jogging when he heard the tell tale gaseous emissions which warn him that he must hurry as Zontar’s fecal matter is ready to emerge. Zontar went to the nearest restroom and was greeted with this:

Upon entering the Aliens Only toilet I saw the final insult.

Aliens are treated worse than the maggots which feed on the flies which alight upon feces.

Not a pretty thing, is it Earthling? Neither is the plight of the illegal alien. Zontar urges you to fight against it in any way you can. Write your congressman, organize a protest march. Anything you can think of to help us, please do so.

If Zontar is discovered, he will be deported back to Xenon where he will be immediately executed. Do you want Zontar’s blood on your hands?

Hail Illegal Aliens!

Hail Zontar!!

One Day in the Life of Zontar the Magnificent! June 1, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in General Farts.
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Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar of late has been reading many hundreds of blogs and has been struck by the stunning variety of them. There seems to be blogs covering every subject imaginable, from the sacred to the profane, from the profound to the trivial, from those extolling one political viewpoint to those in favor of the opposite end of the spectrum. Of course, Zontar has not observed any other blog that could begin to touch his by any possible standard you could think of. But Zontar possesses an open mind and he is subject to the possibility, however remote, that any blog could approach the wisdom of insight of his sacred scribblings.

In Zontar’s journey into the nether reaches of the internet, Zontar alighted upon a very curious subject for a blog: a personal diary. At first Zontar was aghast at them. Why would anyone wish to read the most mundane ramblings of a decidedly ordinary person ranting on about such decidedly ordinary events such as what they ate, drank, what time they woke up, what they watched on television etc. to the point where the reader is lulled into a state of ennui closely resembling a coma.

Some hours later, your faithful scribe awoke from a deep slumber with the most profound and deep insight. Zontar’s initial impression of diary themed blogs was way off the mark. To arrive at the truth, sometimes Zontar takes several detours until he arrives at the destination of Wisdom.

Zontar realized that, even though these types of blogs may seem exceedingly tedious and dull, they actually are quite profound. What is life after all but a string of repetitive and dull actions which one tends to repeat every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade until one reaches the endgame of existence? All of these monotonous tasks have added up to ones life. The Meaning of Life is not found in any holy book or Learned Tome, nay not even in the profound musings of your beloved Zontar. Therefore there is nothing more deep and meaningful in the blogosphere than these diaries one finds littering the internet like so many dried dog turds.

Zontar, having experienced the above epiphany, was inspired to treat you to a day in his life. He presents it to you now for your amusement and edification.

9:41 a.m. Zontar awakens from a fitful night’s sleep. Zontar suffers from the affliction of insomnia which is the curse he has to endure from possessing the most brilliant of minds. His brain is so highly developed that it can never be completely shut off. Insightful and original insights are always pouring forth from his psyche. Zontar continually awakes with these revelations and he must immediately put them to paper.

Zontar, however is not one to complain. His spirits are lifted immediately when he awakes by the sight of his beloved 29,323,452 wife Anorexia who is holding Sputum, Zontar’s beloved new-born baby son.

Zontar’s heart warms at this touching image of domestic bliss.

10:10 a.m. Zontar gets out of bed. He leaves Anorexia alone to suckle Sputum. Zontar goes to the toilet to relieve himself of the repast he enjoyed the previous night. To begin, Zontar emits a stream of decidedly loud, foul smelling farts. Zontar knows this is going to be a long session. For some reason roast glabrob binds up Zontar in a very painful way. Fortunately Zontar cogitates well upon the commode so it is time well spent. The most profound thoughts Zontar has had comes during the act of moving his bowels. After Zontar’s bowels have been purged, he looks down to inspect his morning’s work and remembers he still has to eat his breakfast.

11:33 a.m. Zontar leaves the bathroom leaving a lethal stench which would curl the average earthling’s fingernails. For that reason no one else is allowed to enter Zontar’s evacuation room. Any being who does not hail from Xenon will immediately be vaporized upon smelling Zontar’s handiwork.

Zontar then goes to the kitchen to prepare himself a delicious breakfast of corned yak hash over potatoes. Zontar is a superb chef and thoroughly enjoys this splendid repast.

 

12:34 p.m. Zontar walks to the couch and sits down. He receives a phone call from his employer at the local car wash, asking if Zontar was planning to come to work today as he was due in at 8:00 that morning. Zontar said he was still thinking about it, and that he would get back to him. Zontar was then unceremoniously and summarily fired. Zontar thought nothing more of it as he is above such petty concerns.

12:58 p.m. Zontar turns on the television to catch up on the news. Zontar watched a very interesting story about Hillary Clinton and her failed candidacy:

 

2:35 p.m. Zontar decides to take out his spaceship for one last ride. Zontar has been advised that it is being repossessed on the morrow due to a temporary cash flow problem.

Zontar decides to visit his old stomping grounds of Canada. There he enjoys a delicious luncheon of the national dish of that fair land, poutine:
Zontar’s delicate constitution causes this delicacy to be retransmitted back to the bowl, ready for immediate resale.

Zontar then went to sample Canada’s great cultural contribution to the civilized world:

Zontar then realizes he has dallied too long in the Great White North, land of maple syrup and excessive beer consumption. Zontar was concerned Anorexia would be worried. Zontar flies back home.

When he enters his domicile, Zontar looks at the clock.

:1:47 a.m. Zontar has had a long day so he wends his way to his bedroom to the waiting arms of Anorexia. An alien’s life just can’t get much better than this!

There you have it, my faithful minions: a typical day in the life of Zontar. I hope it was as fascinating for you to read it as it was for me to live it.

Hail Interminable Blog Posts!

Hail Quotidian Tedium!

Hail Zontar!!

Profiles in Xenonian Courage May 31, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts on Fire!.
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Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar is pleased to be with you again! Before starting his blog, Zontar had no way to disseminate his unparalleled insights to a mass audience. Now that he has started blogging he has spread his wisdom to all and sundry in lands near and far. This gives Zontar great joy! If Zontar can reach only one soul upon Earth, to open their ignorant and blind eyes to the Truth which Zontar dispenses, then the many hours Zontar has toiled will be worth it. Zontar cares not if he has one reader or one million. All he cares about is the quality of his work, not the quantity of hits.

It is sadly true that many people “pimp” out their blogs shamelessly on many forums. Some bloggers shamelessly whore themselves out to increase their audience! This is indeed a sad thing. They may get some extraneous hits from some cretinous fool searching for salacious drivel on Google but what is such a hit worth in the grand scheme? Is a bigger audience for your blog worth your soul? I think not!

Zontar would never demean himself to write posts devoted to lowly, common and controversial topics solely to become famous in the blogosphere. Rest assured, steadfast and loyal reader that Zontar would never write about:

Gratutious sex. Zontar sayeth all allusions to sex and sexual relations should be banned from the internet. It should be discussed only between a man and a woman in the sanctity of the marriage bed. After all, Zontar is writing for all, even the tiniest of tots. Zontar would not want to warp their fragile minds.

Gay Marriage. You will never see this overtly controversial topic anywhere on Zontar’s blog. Zontar will sum up the situation with a quote from Moses, who said “a man shall not lie with a man as if he was a woman.” On a parenthetical note, Zontar was well acquainted with Moses, and it is rumored that he and Joshua spent a little too much time together. Zontar is not as judgmental as Moses. Zontar has no interest which orifice the penis of a homosexual enters. Zontar thinketh that any person who does care possesses a very small mind or is most certainly homosexual themselves or both. Most likely both. Zontar has spoken!

Violence. An abomination upon the Earth. Zontar shall not stoop so low as to satisfy the blood lust of hordes of mindless, senseless, bloody bawdy villains! He shall not publish photos such as the one above. Besides, Zontar does not understand violence. On Xenon, all beings are timid and peace loving. Only on your Earth are people obsessed with it. Fie upon it! Fie!!

Gun Control. This has been worn into the ground. Zontar does not need to mention this simply to get more hits. Besides, the second amendment to the constitution to the “United States” assures all of the right to harm themselves and others. All one needs to know is that they can have Zontar’s gun when they pry it from his cold, dead hands.

Prayer in the Public Schools. This issue has been playing like a broken record for decades. Zontar says to give it a decent burial. Zontar thinks all religion and practice thereof should be relegated to the home. Zontar, however, does not want to start any controversy so he will remain neutral.

Capital Punishment. An old chestnut which Zontar deigns not to discuss except to mention that on Xenon if you take a life then your life is forfeited. Xenon, though a lovely Utopia in the outer most reaches of space was rather harsh. The death penalty was not reserved for the crime of murder alone. Among other infractions you could meet your maker for were running red lights, being late on your rent and not using deodorant.

Illegal Immigration. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, Zontar was put to sleep since he was a lad by this subject. What’s to discuss? If you are in the “United States” illegally you are a criminal and should be treated as such. Don’t believe the bromide about illegal immigrants being here because they are doing the jobs legal immigrants and citizens would not take. Zontar says balderdash! Take a look at Zontar. His first jobs in your America were bussing dishes, picking grapes and emptying septic tanks, yet he worked himself up to his present exalted status as Supreme Arbiter of Morality and Wisdom for all the Universe!

Fire Farting. Zontar is aware of the great popularity of this peurile, peculiarly American hobby, but he will not give in to pressure and discuss it, show a photo of it, or ever even mention its existence.

Lindsay Lohan. Oh my Goodness! Zontar cannot understand why a certain type of human would prowl the internet looking for provocative photos of starlets who possess no talent except a certain mammarian pulchritude to inspire them in their mastabatory fantasies. If you have searched the internet and reached Zontar’s matchless blog while looking for Ms. Lohan or others of her ilk, Zontar says shame! He does not want anyone coming to his blog who is only interested of the satiation of their animal lust and not the improvement of their mind.

Zontar could continue ad nausem ad infinitum in bringing up such popular internet search topics as you see above. But he will stop now because he does not want to encourage further deranged abuse of web-surfing. In the immortal words of John Keats: “Beauty is Truth, Truth is Beauty”. That is what you will obtain on Zontar’s blog!

Hail Beauty!

Hail Truth!

Hail Zontar!!

Bush: A Flatulent Mind May 29, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Political Farts.
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Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar, the beneficent scribe of all that is true and just, described recently a virulent attack of multiple hemorrhoids. I am happy to announce that Zontar has recovered fully from said affliction, and he wishes to thank the many well-wishers who urged him to regain his good health and be returned back to all so he may spread his kindness, deep intelligence and insights. Thank you loyal minions! While in his sick bed of agony to which he was sentenced, Zontar was overcome by many flatulent emissions. The smell reminded him of his beloved home of Xenon, where the atmosphere is redolent of farts. This nostalgic reverie prompted your beloved Zontar to muse on a variety of subjects. Zontar confesses that his most brilliant insights are derived during the act of purging emissions from his multiple rectums.

During Zontar’s most recent gaseous episode Zontar, who was watching your Earthly television, saw on a broadcast of recent events (your so-called “news”) an image of the president of your so-called “United States”. Zontar was struck by an insight and, as Zontar is in a most benevolent mood given the many get well cards he received, decided to reveal a Truth which is sorely in need of divulging. That is that Mr. Bush is the greatest president who has ever had the privilege of residing in the White House!

Pshaw, the average American may interject at this point. “Zontar! Have you lost your brilliant, multifaceted and supreme mind?! Dubya is the greatest president?! The moron who got us into that ridiculous Iraqi war for absolutely no valid reason whatsoever? That idiot that can’t string a sentence together without making at least 12 grammatical errors?! Zontar I am so disappointed in you! Shame! Double Shame!!”.

Zontar can understand such a reaction, due to the fact that Zontar is above such pettiness. Just because some inferior being mocks Zontar, Zontar is very mature and understands that they cannot begin to comprehend to understand the depth of intelligence of such a superior mind as Zontar possesses. Zontar will try to explain to you, beloved reader, owner of an inferior Earthling brain, the logic behind Zontar’s assertion.

Zontar can vouchsafe why some people would mock his opinion. In pure Earthly terms, Mr. Bush does come across as somewhat slow. Observe him in action:

While Zontar does applaud Mr. Bush’s spirited discharges, Zontar does admit to Mr. Bush not always appearing “presidential” at all times.

Also, observe some of the utterances which spring forth from Mr. Bush seem not as erudite as they could be:

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.” —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6

“They misunderestimated me.” —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Zontar does not make rash judgments. Just because someone comes across as an abject simpleton and fool doesn’t mean anything. Zontar looks at the big picture, cogitates, observes some more, then comes up with Absolute Truth. Zontar will now share the aforementioned Truth to you, unworthy mortal!

Mr. Bush, even though he had the supposed advantage of being born into a very wealthy and powerful family, had many strikes against him from the beginning. Zontar, who has many friends and contacts, has discovered the heartbreaking truth which Mr. Bush has fought against all his life: he was born with only half a brain. To be precise he possesses only a cerebellum and only a fraction of his temporal lobe. All the rest of his brain is absent. What this means in layman’s terms is that it is physically impossible for him to reason, use logic, make decisions on his own or speak without embarrassing himself. To demonstrate proof, Zontar has obtained a copy of Mr. Bush’s latest MRI which shows the unfortunate condition of what can only be mercifully described as a brain:

Zontar was aghast and sore amazed at his findings! It then dawned upon Zontar what a supremely noble man George W. Bush is! He had much more to contend with in his life with than something as mundane as being born in a log cabin. Normally, such children as George would have been put into a home and then forgotten by their families. They would live a meaningless existence, their only activities comprised of staring blankly into space, expunging their bowels and bladders, and drooling incessantly. George would have none of it.

He lifted himself out of the pit the brainless normally wallow in and fought against society’s prejudices against mindless cretins. Through an amazing serendipitous string of luck he became the President of the United States. That is why Zontar thinks Mr. Bush is a very great man. He’s got spunk!

 

But Zontar can dismiss the Iraq affair as the prank of a naughty, willful and brainless child. What frightens Zontar is that there are people who believe that this Iraqi war is totally justifiable and winnable. At least Mr. Bush has an excuse for this opinion.

Hail All Wise and Knowing Esteemed Leader of the Free Word!

Hail Zontar!!

Celebrity Adulation and Pussy Farts May 27, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Celebrity Farts, Pussy Farts.
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1 comment so far

Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar, your faithful and impartial observer of all that is meaningful, offers his felicitations. Your faithful scribe was overwhelmed by anguish today when he was overcome by a nasty case of multiple hemorrhoid syndrome. Since Xenonians have 5 rectums Zontar was suffering the agony of the damned as all aforementioned recti were afflicted at the same time. Zontar had taken his space ship out for a spin over the weekend to observe the nude beach on Lapetus, one of Saturn’s moons. Zontar had heard many lascivious accounts of the beauty of the naked Lapetian and decided to observe it first hand, not for any prurient reason mind you! Zontar is not cursed with the disgusting libido of the average Earthling. Zontar just wanted to add to his knowledge. The visit was not a success as all of the Lapetians were hibernating. Zontar should have realized this. Zontar knows full well that all inhabitants of Lapetus hibernate every 10th year and stay asleep for 20. Zontar flew back to Earth in a funk. The only thing Zontar gained from his expedition was the aforementioned attack of hemorrhoids due to the length of time Zontar had to sit in his spaceship on the round trip to Lapetus.

Zontar is a very strong alien. He does not give in to weakness and pain, but he had to give in as the multiple throbbing hemorrhoids almost made Zontar weep! Zontar could not take any more of the agony so Zontar went to Earth physician. While in the waiting room, Zontar espied a copy of your National Enquirer and perused the contents thereof.

Zontar was most curious and it struck Zontar that Americans are obsessed with celebrities. Zontar had heard this before from Canadians, French, English and German Earthlings (who are just as obsessed but somehow don’t realize it).

Zontar observed in the pages of this Learned Tome various Earth celebrities such as Paris Hilton, the Olson Twins, Kevin Federline, Nicole Ritchie, Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson.

Zontar studied the stories about these persons with awe and wonder. Zontar was awed because he realized that the only thing these “celebrities” have in common is their stunning lack of any ascertainable talent whatsoever, save for their fellatiatic prowess and a stunning and ridiculous willingness to air the ennui inducing details of their emotional breakdowns.

Zontar cannot understand! On Xenon we have many famed artistes who are famous not for humiliating themselves in public but for true talent. The actors on the Xenonian stage are superb! The singers can spin an old Xenonian lullaby to make a jaded, world weary alien cry his eyes out and our supermodels are breathtakingly beautiful. Zontar himself is quite an accomplished actor, singer and artist. Very few can compare to him. As Zontar is also blessed with humility he will remain silent on this subject.

As Zontar continued waiting for the Earthly healer to aid him, Zontar’s eyes alighted upon one more “celebrity” who seemed to be getting more attention than all the rest.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Miss Britney Spears!

Zontar did much research into the life of this worthy,and aside from a decidedly modest musical talent, she was best known for her emotional meltdown and a child custody dispute and a celebrated incident where she exposed herself in public. As a civic duty I will reproduce said photo of her shame. This is however a family blog and I will not allow the innocent eyes of a child to be corrupted with such filth. By clicking on the following link you affirm that you are at least 18 years of age. Click here to see a picture of Britney’s shaved pussy.

Zontar was shocked at this shameless exhibition. Upon further research Zontar discovered that Britney is also famous for one other talent: pussy farting. Zontar is such an innocent that he had to look up what this meant and he was shocked to learn that Ms. Spears major talent is a remarkable ability to expunge air through her womb. She has become so adept at it that she can play a tune strictly through said orifice. If you listen carefully to “Baby One More Time” hear her singing harmony with her her own vagina.

You Earthings are nothing if not inventive!

Hail Talentless Neurotic Hacks!

Hail Zontar!!

Gaseous Emissions and Arrogance May 26, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farting Contests, Political Farts.
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1 comment so far

Greetings Earthlings!

Your impartial Xenonian observer of your political process was engaged in his (typical) tireless search for Truth today, mulling over the vicious race between Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama when his breakfast came back to haunt him. Glabrob, while yummy, has an unfortunate effect on ones digestive tract. Zontar happily had his tape recorder running to capture the results of his gassy morning and he thought he would like to share:

 

Zontar was justifiably proud and wanted to share with Earth the sounds of a true Xenonian fart session. Then Zontar pondered: “Zontar!”, I asked myself, “Wouldn’t your boasts about your flatulence be misconstrued as arrogance”? Zontar was deeply troubled. To calibrate his brilliant mind, he went back to the beginning and double checked the meaning of the word “arrogance”. English is Zontar’s 632,333,232 language, and he wanted to be sure of himself. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/arrogance

arrogance

Pronunciation:
\ˈer-ə-gən(t)s, ˈa-rə-\
Function:
noun
Date:
14th century
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

Zontar read carefully into this definition. Was Zontar arrogant? Do not mistake Zontar for an egomaniac! He will readily admit to any flaws in his character. Just because he hasn’t found any yet doesn’t mean that they may not exist. However, I honestly can say my pride in my melodious emissions was not hubris but justifiable. I merely wanted to share with the rest of Earth. That case is closed!

Then it dawned on Zontar that of late, Mr. Obama has been pilloried in the press and on the sphere of blogdom for the sin of Arrogance. Comparing candidates, Zontar must admit that Mr. Obama does have an “attitude of superiority”. He is superior. His intelligence is several notches above Mrs. Clinton’s. If she had an ounce of sense she would have never uttered her fervent wish for an unfortunate accident to occur to Mr. Obama in June. Zontar knew for many months prior of her wish. (Zontar having the preternatural gift of mind reading). To be entirely fair, it is not her fault. All of her major strategies and utterances have come from her husband, William. Zontar always mistrusted this man, and with good reasons. Zontar has uncovered a candid photo of him just after awakening and before he had a chance to ready himself for the day.

bill clinton bad hair day

It occurred to Zontar that it is unfair to judge Mrs. Clinton’s intelligence, or lack thereof on her alone, as she has surrendered her will and soul completely to the machinations of William. But vilifying Mr. Obama as being arrogant seems most unfair, simply because he happens to have a brain and a mind of his own. Zontar, frankly has tired of the mud-slinging and endless rhetoric of this campaign. It has gone on entirely too long and Zontar is now bored. Then a brainstorm hit Zontar while expunging his Glabrob upon the commode: Let’s settle the election here and now. I present to you Madame Clinton and Mr. Obama in a truly meaningful debate. I urge you to watch both videos so you can make an informed decision:

Now observe Mr. Obama in action:

It is patently obvious Mr. Obama is the winner. His fart was bold and confident. He made no apologies for it. Whereas Mrs. Clinton was ashamed. It was a weak emission. She tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. But her audience knew, and now you, my loyal minions know as well.

Paid for by the Zontar for Supreme Being of All Universe Committee. Zontar has approved this message.

Hail Loyal Minions!

Hail Truth!!

Hail Zontar!!!

Britain and the United States: A Flatulent Relationship May 25, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Farts around the World, Farts in History, General Farts.
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3 comments

Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar, not having been born in this galaxy, enjoys a tremendous advantage over all other bloggers, commentators and historians. That advantage is impartiality. Zontar can absorb numerous facts through his eyes and come to the absolute truth, which is impossible for Earthlings to achieve. Therefore in all matters you may trust the words of Zontar implicitly.

Zontar reads many thousands of pages of information a day on the internet and in books. One particular blog which strikes me as being particularly insightful and fair is that of Virgomonkey, who devotes her musings primarily to Anti-Americanism. While in her blog, I found particularly striking the intense hatred Europe, particularly England has towards the United States. I always thought that since the United States was of great assistance during the conflict which Earthlings have dubbed World War II they would be the best of friends. With great regret I must inform you that this is not the case. Zontar did a little research, ingesting 7,234 books and 258, 345, 223 pages on the internet last night. Zontar, upon awakening came to several insights over this and I am now privileged to share with you his wisdom and insights.

It is indeed true that England despises America and Americans. Why is this so? Zontar shall tell you.

There are several reasons, Zontar shall, for the sake of brevity, concentrate on only the most critical. Going back in history, England was defeated in the American War of Revolution which began in 1776. They were utterly humiliated on the world stage. How could the world’s dominant superpower be defeated by a ragtag army of colonists who were poorly trained and poorly led with very few resources? It is incomprehensible, but it happened. The English had their feelings hurt. They were overconfident and arrogant and paid for it with defeat. They have never forgotten this humiliation nor forgiven the United States for doing it to them. The United States and England fought again during the War of 1812. The United States defeated England again rubbing more salt into the wound.

The next reason why the English hate America and Americans was your World War II. The English did fight valiantly but could not defeat Hitler by themselves. (Hitler, for your edification, suffered tremendously from flatulence. This is the reason he was so sour and nasty. Had he had a normal gastro-intestinal system, he would have been much easier to live with and never started the war….but Zontar digresses).

Had America not enacted the so-called Lend-Lease act, which supplied much needed money and implements of war, England would very likely have been defeated or had a much more difficult time of defending herself. Zontar has learned that this so called Lend-Lease act was actually approved by the United States government in a cabal to make England the third rate power it is today. Knowing it would virtually bankrupt England, the United States passed the legislation to “help” England and other allies. The United States fought in this war not to defeat the flatulent Hitler with his evil designs upon the world but to humble Britain economically in a humiliating coup de gras which the English have never recovered from.

The most important reason why the English despise Americans is intestinal gas. The English are famed throughout the world for the particularly foul and malodorous emissions which emanate from their collective rectums. The English are jealous that Americans fart far less than anyone else in the world. Please visit English Farts Stink the Worst Dot Com. Zontar cites one particularly important flatulent historical reference.

Observe Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill during one of their many conferences during World War II. They may look the epitome of allies. Actually this photograph documents Mr. Roosevelt’s reaction to Mr. Churchill’s breaking wind. Winnie had just ingested a large repast and his digestive system reacted by cutting a large fart. Roosevelt was stunned. He didn’t know how to react. Immediately after this picture was taken Roosevelt, who was a very ill man at the time and not up to the rigors of smelling such a disgusting stench, vomited profusely and had to be taken to the hospital.

Why do the gaseous emissions of the English smell worse than Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, Nepalese or any other group one might name? It is the food. England is infamous throughout the world for its victuals. What other nation indulges in such delicacies as black pudding, tripe, and lamb’s hearts. Karl Marx, the father of communist philosophy, lived in England for a time and described its bread. He describes that the average Englishman…

‘had to eat daily in his bread a certain quantity of human perspiration mixed with the discharge of abscesses, cobwebs, dead cockroaches, and putrid German yeast, without counting alum, sand, and other agreeable mineral ingredients’.

Here are some examples of English delicacies.

typical english food

typical english food

typical english food

typical english food

Zontar, as a supremely impartial judge, flew to England and partook of a typical English breakfast which consisted of black pudding, tripe, and kippers. The unhappy result of this repast was Zontar was overcome by a violent attack of flatulence which caused him much sorrow. He then vomited up the unhappy meal while still in the restaurant. The waiter, while bussing the table, saw no difference in the regurgitated mess and the original food, and thought nothing of it.

The smell of Zontar’s farts after this episode were incredible. Normally the scent emanating from a Xenonian fart is pleasant, reminiscent of the finest of Earthly perfumes. But this odor was something different. It was malevolent, cruel and vicious It smelled of the sewer and the gutter. The scent was so vile that Zontar blacked out. While in England Zontar roamed about, observing the average citizen. However it was a short lived expedition, as all around him Zontar kept being confronted by the dreaded English fart. Everyone was doing it continually and the collective fumes forced Zontar to flee, never to return again to this country.

Why the English blame the Americans in particular for their digestive problem is almost beyond Zontar’s realm of knowledge, but he knows the truth. Human beings are weak and vindictive. As the United States is the world dominant superpower at the present, and England’s greatest days are well behind her, the English are consumed by jealousy. They hate America now because it reminds England of what they were in the past, but will never recover. Even if the English changed their diets and started to eat decent food, they would still hate America and find another reason to hate Americans.

Being totally impartial and a supreme lover of cooperation and love between all peoples, Zontar is heartbroken over this current state of affairs. Most Americans are blithely unaware of the animosity England holds towards America. They only discover it once they get to know an Englishman, only then well they discover the truth.

Zontar says to England: ” Get over it. You’ve had your time in the sun. Accept that it’s over.”

Zontar says to America: “Don’t go to England. The English are jealous of you and hate you. But if you must go, bring a gas mask”.

Zontar salutes all!

Hail Wisdom!

Hail Zontar!!

Fart Etiquette Part I May 25, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Fart Etiquette, General Farts.
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2 comments

Greetings, Earthlings!

Zontar’s vast intelligence encompasses all things. He contemplates deep subjects (the Meaning of Life, Politics, History, Philosophy). He also has great interest in the smallest minutiae of everyday existence. Nothing is off limits to the all powerful and mighty Zontar!

A subject which is sorely under-discussed and almost completely ignored is the etiquette of farting. The average dolt may say “Zontar, you’ve lost it dude! You fart and that’s it. Get over it!” I beg to differ, uneducated, ignorant and vile mortal!! Farting is a fact of everyday life for everyone. There is not a day goes by when everyone does not fart. From the lowliest peasant to the mighty and proud rulers of the Earth, all indulge in breaking wind. Since this is such a common, and important part of our lives, we all need to learn more about HOW to fart. The etiquette can differ slightly from country to country, but overall the etiquette of farting is surprisingly universal.

Of course, when one is in solitude, the rules don’t apply. But in public one must be most cognizant of the proprieties. For example, if one is in an elevator and lets out a gaseous discharge do you apologize? It can depend on a number of circumstances. If it is only you and one other person on board, then it is acceptable and expected to mutter a quick “Sorry” and try to pretend it didn’t happen. However, if there is more than two persons on the elevator and you fart, it is permissible to say nothing, as no one can ever know with any certainty that it was you, unless the discharge was so loud as to make it painfully obvious that it was you. In that circumstance you should apologize. Otherwise keep the others guessing. There is no need to open yourself up to shame and ridicule if you don’t have to. 

This is a vast topic, one richly deserving an entire tome devoted to it. I assure you I will add updates.

Thank you my loyal minions!

 

Hillary, Obama and RFK: A Malodorous Link May 24, 2008

Posted by zontarthemagnificent in Current Farts, Farts on Fire!, General Farts, Political Farts.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
3 comments

Greetings Earthlings!

Zontar has been studying your current Democratic primary process with much amusement and would like to comment on the recent news regarding Madame Hillary  about her reasons for staying in the race even though someone as simple as your “W” could see her chances at this point were not as good as a snowball in the nether regions of Gehenna. She replied “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right?” Clinton told the newspaper. “We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.”

This unfortunate statement created quite a stir in your America. Poor Hillary was caught making this stunning statement on a very bad day. She evidently has been short on sleep, the press has collectively already held a post mortem on her failed candidacy, plus she is espoused to the Evil One Slick Willie who has lost his slickness and ability to mask his guile and ruthless ambition. Her mental state caused her to utter her upcoming plans to have Mr. Obama assassinated, knowing it to be the only way she would have a chance to become the Democratic candidate.

Zontar has learned from sources, which must for obvious reasons remain anonymous, how Hillary plans to accomplish this evil deed. Bill Clinton has arranged to have a member of Obama’s inner circle (actually a mole planted by Bill many months ago) to eat a very large meal consisting of nothing but hard boiled eggs, garbanzo beans and copious amounts of beer. This mole will arrange to lure Mr. Obama into a private room on some bogus pretext. Once in the room, the mole will bend over and emit a large, ear-splitting, nose numbing fart. The mole will then light this fart and incinerate Mr. Obama.

I am making this public because Zontar detests all violence and acts of hatred. Zontar urges Mr. Obama to forthwith fire all his staff and replace them with people he can trust. Lest any of you think that I am indulging in a flight of fantasy, I wish to remind you of the words of Michael Corleone: “If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone”.

Earthlings! I urge you to stop the madness!!

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